


The Closest, The Farthest

by Anita



Category: Takarazuka Revue RPF
Genre: Awkward Romance, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Getting Together, Romantic Comedy, Romantic Fluff, Romantic Friendship, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:42:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26906062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anita/pseuds/Anita
Summary: Kanato is very confused about Chisei after a misunderstanding made them kiss at a party. As she learns more about Chisei’s love life, she can’t stop thinking about her supposedly best friend, and things just get more complicated and impossible to go back to how it had been before.
Relationships: Tsukishiro Kanato/Akatsuki Chisei
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to Lee, for supporting me in my fever for this pairing, even when she can’t keep up with the latest progresses. 
> 
> Notice that one of the characters belong to me and all written below is pure fiction. Information on the actresses is also fictional.

**Chapter 1**

_From Tsukishiro Kanato’s LINE Messenger_

> **Mayu: Did you just kiss Arinko?**
> 
> **Mayu: What the**
> 
> **Mayu: Read your damn texts!**
> 
> **Mayu: Shit**
> 
> **Mayu: Whatever is going on, she’s not the one you want to fool around with**
> 
> **Mayu: Reiko!**
> 
> **Mayu: Where the hell did you go?**
> 
> **Mayu: Don’t go after her!**
> 
> **Mayu: READ THIS!**
> 
> **Mayu: Shit!**

* * *

Parties would always make me feel anxious. Nothing good could materialize from them that wouldn’t happen without. This one in special was built to make anyone in my position feel overwhelmed. With the reconstructions of the Takarazuka Hotel and how it tied to the Moon Troupe’s current musical, the higher-ups had decided it was a given that we should be present in one of the parties to attract more investors, and this one was a big Christmas party. For that, they’d invited some of the troupe members along with a number of the already graduated Takarasiennes. But the spotlight seemed to be, of course, on the Top Star and on me, the new _nibanteyaku_ , the just-recovered girl after a long absence.

At least, the part in which I had to follow Tamaki Ryou, or Miki-san as we call her, on stage was over now. Theoretically, now we only had to enjoy the food and the drinks. _Theoretically_ , I was in the safe. But my mind still relived every micro detail from the moment I’d arrived at the party until now. At a point, I had tripped and, although it hadn’t been but a hiccup-like misstep, who was to say no one had noticed? I looked around and people’s eyes were still on us. Whispering, commenting. If only I could just go home… My stomach was in the middle of a storm, my hands and face and neck were liquefying.

“I’m so glad we can meet again, Rurika-san!” I heard Miki-san say to Miya Rurika, her former _nibante_ , who’d left the company some months before. Was it already half a year ago? July, August, September, October, November, December, oh wow. Entire six months had passed, and I never saw Rurika-san again ever since I had had to take the medical license for the remaining days of her farewell presentation. Great, now I was even more nervous. I should have said something warmer to her. I should say it now. This moment.

“Ah,” was all I managed to get out of my mouth. And my ears were deaf, I so had no idea about the intonation I’d used.

“And I’m ecstatic to see you back in your full form, Reiko-chan.”

I blushed, because I knew from those words Rurika-san had understood me, even when I had no idea what exactly I would have said. So I nodded with more strength than needed, making both my neck and the place my chin hit on my chest hurt. I was searching for the right words to add to the conversation when I felt someone pull me tight into a hug and my shoulder meet a soft pair of breasts. A sweet aroma of wine exhaled when they spoke in a faux-whisper with lips touching my hair, “You were so _beautiful_ up there!”

Ari? This was certainly Akatsuki Chisei, Ari, one of my best friends for sure, but absolutely not to that point. I raised my head to verify and she was still so close we were a klutzy moment from kissing. I was about to pull away from what I could only call a drunk incident in the happening, when she enveloped me even more and winked. _Huh?_ , I voicelessly mumbled back but went ignored.

“It’s so nice to see you again, Rurika-san! Right, Reiko?” As she spoke, Ari gave me just enough space to straighten my posture before she pulled me again, at least with less strength this time. Actually, she might have been caressing my arm concurrently.

And did she just call me Reiko? No honorifics?

As I tried to figure out just how many glasses she had had while we had been on stage—definitely not before, for the troupe members had been together the whole time without any alcohol in hands—, something else caught my eyes. Ari was still telling Rurika-san how we missed her sharp advices during the rehearsals and mentioning Miki-san by name, but the very Miki-san didn’t seem to take notice. Her attention focused on… me? Us? I looked again to my side; Ari still hadn’t made any attempt to break our embrace, and her hand circled my arm and shoulder gently, sometimes tickling the bare skin on my neck. That’s what Miki-san glared. I could feel the astonishment coming from her. This was uncomfortable, but Ari would tighten her grip at any attempt to escape.

“I can’t wait for you to come and watch our scene,” Ari continued talking as if she weren’t borderline harassing me. This time, she turned to me with a different smile, one that showed we had some secret, even though I had no idea what scene would be called _ours_. Didn’t her character end up with Odachin’s? “We talked a lot, the two of us” she motioned to me “and concluded there was no way something wasn’t going on between us.” She paused with a devilish smile. “The characters, of course,” she added in a mellower tone, turning her breath to my neck.

We never decided such a thing! But how could I just barge in the conversation and correct her? It’s not like Rurika-san cared. Miki-san did, though; her brows furrowed and her eyes wouldn’t leave Ari’s hand on me. Were I not a part, I’d also suspect Ari and I were a couple—not the characters!—, so I couldn’t blame her bafflement. Despite all that going on, Ari seemed oblivious even to Miki-san’s presence, continuing to describe the whole song I sang to her in the musical, or her detorted views of it.

That was when it hit me. This was nothing more than an act. Ari wasn’t actually drunk, she was pretending we were dating for Miki-san’s benefit. Why else would she ignore one of the people she most respected? Oh no, this could only mean what I’d always interpreted as respect toward her senior had actually been… a crush!

Oh no again, I’d been a terrible friend. Because _maybe_ she had mentioned something. There had been this time I thought I had misheard her ramblings that she had dated a girl? During their time in the Music School? She never said a thing again, and it had slipped—maybe on purpose!—in the middle of an entirely different topic.

We’d also been discussing Grand Hotel once, and how Ari had thought people would care more about her character when she’d been the one who’d brought up how she’d been careful in portraying a woman in love with another. She’d also talked about that former _takarasienne_ who’d married a woman in Disney. There had been so much more and just now was I putting the pieces together. For _months_ my friend had been trying to come out to me, to enlist my help with Miki-san!

Yes, it had probably started around the time Rurika-san announced her retirement. We’d been devastated, especially Miki-san. I’d also been called to become the following _nibanteyaku_ and felt so helpless watching Miki-san despair over that loss when I knew I couldn’t come close to fill those shoes. I even pleaded with Rurika-san not to go, as if she could have done anything…

This had happened a little bit before my injury. I’d been checking something with Rurika-san and once again I felt tears coming to my eyes. She’d just reassured me my being the _nibante_ wouldn’t lead Takarazuka Revue to bankruptcy—I understand that doesn’t make sense when put so bluntly, since it was the product of many sleepless wonderings and a long explanation that would be too distracting to what matters here. But that’s how we were when Ari showed up. I quickly swallowed back my insecurities, especially because, by contract, I wasn’t to divulge my future promotion yet, and she’d already been suspicious for a while I knew something. Rurika-san went away, mostly to escape Ari, but I suspected it was to escape further whining on my part as well, leaving me to pretend everything was rose-colored.

I sighed.

“Reiko-san…” She studied me before continuing, her lips parted and her big eyes taking in each detail of my terrible poker face. “You don’t look well.” She smiled, probably forcing it to make me lower my guard. “Just tell me if there’s anything I can do.” At the time, I’d thought she was just fishing for the _nibanteyaku_ news. “You have to know I won’t ever judge you, right?” She waited for my response with a terrifying stare of eagerness. “People have been through it before, and life goes on. Rurika-san will still be there, even if it’ll be harder for… something more… you know.” She raised her eyebrows but frowned. “For other parts, however, it’ll even make things easier, believe me.”

Because I really couldn’t talk about it without leaking that information, I just thanked Ari, adding, “I know I can count on you.” I smiled back, wondering if it was silly to think I’d be served for ranting with my co-worker.

However, Ari was so young; if I were to risk that suit indeed, it would have to be with someone who’d really be able to advise me. As I thought that, Ari gave me a tight hug that almost changed my mind. “Miki-san will be so much busier now,” she added, with what I’d interpreted as more fishing on her part. But that had possibly been her point since the beginning. “In any case,” she said, “count on me, that I’ll help you with however I can.”

“Thank you,” I repeated, but held my ground. Ari herself had reminded me of how she couldn’t help enough.

That was one of our misunderstandings. I’d thought she just wanted to hear the newest gossip, even if I’m sure she’d also meant it when she said she’d support me. Now, as the actual _nibante_ , I have that proof of how hard she’s been working to be there for me, just like she’d promised that day. Nonetheless, her mind had been on something else entirely; and I’d been such a bad friend…

With my mind back at the party, I looked once more at Ari, still doing her best to show Miki-san that she and I were a couple. Okay, time for me to be a good friend and at least stop getting in the way of her plan. Discretely, I took a step closer to her and put my hand around her waist. My heart was beating fast, wondering the repercussions of the wrong person seeing this, so I made sure Miki-san was the only one watching besides Rurika-san and gave Ari a quick peck on the cheek. I heard her stutter at this and took it just like a medal when a blush tinted her complexion. She’d been the one to provoke this and never considered I could cooperate?

How much further could this go, though? This was my first time improvising such a fib in real life, and it had been a while since my last actual relationship. It didn’t help that they had all been secret and I’m certainly not the type who enjoys these public displays. So we needed a final blow to end this conversation, of which I hadn’t heard more than a fraction. There had to be something we could do, it couldn’t be that our PDA had already peaked… I risked another glance at Miki-san and was satisfied that she herself didn’t look satisfied at all. Still, it wouldn’t last and soon the whole façade would be shrugged as the effects of the alcohol. _I had to help Ari_.

Half of this was exciting, but even that quickly transformed into frustration, and I had to deal with my lack of creativity.

“We were out the other day, the two of us,” Ari was saying when I looked at her, admiring how she could still keep going. “And Reiko’s mom mentioned this place, so I can’t wait for our break. I hope she’ll be free to come with us, Reiko’s mom.” Yeah, this girl knew how to lie, because I had no idea what that could mean. “You keep forgetting to ask her.” Ari turned to me with a snicker. “Reiko still isn’t comfortable if I call Mother directly.” I wouldn’t be indeed, because I didn’t remember Ari even having my mother’s contact. Or calling her _Mother_. She didn’t have her number, right? “See?” Ari laughed more loudly. “This is the look on her face every time I threaten to just ring her myself. I considered messaging her, but it’s the sort of thing we should do the old way, to be respectful. Plus, I want to make sure she knows she won’t be in our way or anything.”

This story… was too weird. But I had to do my best not to show.

“Reiko, stop looking like I’m asking for your hand!” She laughed again.

“You got very close these last months,” Rurika-san said, tightening her lips. I would have to apologize the moment Miki-san left. Rurika-san had been almost a mentor to me ever since my transfer to the Moon Troupe, so this felt dirty.

Ari nodded without hesitation, though. “Finally!”

“That’s unexpected, considering everything.”

Everything what? Rurika-san did know I’m bisexual; I remember us talking about our ex-girlfriends and how hard it had been to even find anyone who’d understand the way we lived and even harder to keep them. The two of us hadn’t dated anyone in years, that I knew of, although she still had flings here and there. Closer to her retirement, she confided she wished she had taken a leap of faith, but she wasn’t sure the other party would. I never had it in me to ask whom she’d meant, because it’d sounded like someone from the theater. In any case, all that to say she had no reason to call us _unexpected_ , especially if Ari’s hints were right and she were also queer. And they _were_ right, or why else would we be risking unemployment flirting in the middle of a company party? Hm, it was weird that someone as outgoing as Ari would be in the closet… Like, look at us hugging in front of the world! This was the real Ari, so why had she never told me about it? Had I seemed unwelcoming? Prejudiced? Come to think of it, I easily called her my best friend, but we’d never discussed her love life. Or mine; but what would there be for me to say about what had been in a coma forever?

“I’m feeling tipsy, Rei-chan,” Ari’s voice brought me back. She was already resting her head on my shoulder and sort of tapping? Or beating it? As though to make it softer. “Let’s get out of here?”

We couldn’t really leave. Not until the party was over. Though Ari might get away with bailing, I wouldn’t dare try. And yet, she had hugged my arm and was all but humping it, insisting we leave. “C’mon, I can’t wait to get into _bed_ …” She hadn’t really needed to use that intonation for a misunderstanding (could we still call it so, when that was the aim?), but she was still all out. The arm she held was once more brushing her breasts, making my face burn. We’re women and I was no virgin. Especially in our line of work, that wasn’t supposed to be an alien feeling. Really, how different was this from acting on a stage? However…

I could also do this! I took a deep breath and forced myself to pretend Miki-san wasn’t there, or she’d read my uneasiness all over my face. Time for the final blow.

“You know I can’t.” I laughed nervously. It had been on purpose but that edginess was real. “Why don’t you go ahead, Aachan? Take a long bath,” I let my eyes linger around her body, “and keep that bed warm and smelling like that lotion I love? I’ll be right there, I promise.”

Ari didn’t miss a beat and nodded with her mouth slightly open. I wasn’t sure if Miki-san could really catch this part, but she licked her lower lip so slowly, I felt hypnotized. Then, she broke away from raping my arm. That lick, though, was surely the sexiest part of her show, and I couldn’t believe she had failed to notice she had been facing away from her most important audience member, Miki-san. Still, Rurika-san’s raised eyebrow proved I hadn’t just imagined that intensity. For the first time, I felt jealous that Miki-san could one day soon have the real thing all to herself.

When I recovered, Ari was already stepping away.

“I’m not done yet,” I said as calmly as I could, but I tried to make sure to input huskiness to my voice. After that, I caressed the side of her hair, closing our distance. This time, I made sure we had the right angle for Miki-san to see this but no one else really distinguish what they saw, in case somebody happened to look our way. This time, my practice as a Takarasienne would help me the opposite way I’d always used this technique for.

I kissed her mouth. That was predictable, considering the occasion. That’s why Ari deserved more, and I’d serve today’s special. So I quickly bared my tongue by the end. Of course, I hadn’t forced it inside Ari’s mouth, only our lips had touched, though I felt she had quickly recovered from the surprise and tried to prolong the kiss. Still, we had crossed too many limits in our friendship to gross her out with my saliva. The tongue was but an optical illusion for Miki-san alone. This thought made me blush, although Ari didn’t seem aware as she walked away.

My phone vibrated in my pocket.

“I’ll go see her off and be right back,” I announced to our two VIP audience members and hurried the same path Ari had taken.

 **That was amazing! Rurika-san had no idea what hit her, believe me!** had read her message, followed by winking faces and other emoticons I didn’t have time to translate. They surely looked dirty.

While I tried to find Ari outside the salon of the party, the phone wouldn’t stop vibrating in my hand. But the sender wasn’t her; they were mostly from Mayu, my _douki_ Kizuki Yuuma. I hadn’t been able to actually read them, but I could imagine they weren’t very gentle, since Mayu was in a very good position to at least find my closeness to Ari weird. Did she think I was taking advantage of someone drunk? I’d deal with it as soon as I—

“There you are!” I’d found Ari in front of the elevator.

“Isn’t it better if we talk tomorrow? Or just video call me when you’re home! I’ve got some great ideas to help you, Reiko-san!” Inexplicably, I winced at the honorific she’d always used with me. It felt out of place when her the phantom of her touch lingered all over my arm.

“No, wait. Help _me_? Why did you text about Rurika-san? What about Miki-san?”

Ari tilted her head. “What about her?”

“She was the one you wanted to make jealous, no? Isn’t Rurika-san a little too old for you, Ari?”

She looked taken aback but then seemed to understand and broke out in laughter. “I have no intention of competing with you. What twisted thing were you thinking back there?”

It was time for me to tilt my head. “You weren’t trying to make Miki-san jealous? Or Rurika-san?” I added quickly.

“Rurika-san of course! But I was just helping you, not competing or whatever you concluded.”

“Helping me do…” I waited for her to complete, but she was making a face of an owner waiting for their dog to finish its newly learned trick. Oh, damn. “You thought I wanted to make Rurika-san jealous? What for?” My voice could hit the ceiling if it went any higher.

Ari shrugged. That cheeky _kakyuusei_ had just given up on me?

Oh yeah… She hadn’t been trying to come out to me before. She was trying to make _me_ come out. “I’m not in love with Rurika-san.” The best way was to be blunt after using up our entire misunderstandings quota for the year. “I’ve never been, and I don’t think I will be in love with her.”

“No way. C’mon, Reiko-san! Think well, you get all girly and giddy around her. You were so sad during her Sayonara Show too, you managed to cry more than Miki-san. That wasn’t supposed to be possible.”

“You also cried! Everyone cried, it was a _taidan_!”

“Think again. Today you were all lit up talking to her,” she continued.

“I was meeting an important friend after a long time.”

She had the follow-up ready: “Friend being the word we want to change.”

“Ari…”

“There you are! What hell, Reiko!”

I looked behind me to find Mayu coming our way fuming.

“Uh oh,” Ari said, pressing the elevator button repeatedly until the door opened. “Tomorrow!” Then she got in and pressed to close the doors.

“Didn’t you see what I wrote you?” Mayu asked. She did stop when she reached me but I wondered for a moment, cornered between her and the elevator closed doors. “Tell me you were just drunk and not falling for that brat.”

“Don’t call her a brat.” I smiled imagining Mayu’s face when I told her the whole misunderstanding. “She’s actually trying to help me, and I’m almost sure she thinks she’s making me realize my sexuality.” Ari too would be surprised if that were really what she had thought.

Mayu flicked my forehead. “Read my messages before that smile becomes even sillier. I can’t believe we need to have this conversation. That brat…”

“I already asked you not to call her that. She was being super nice, just a tiny bit misguided.”

“And you too, don’t make excuses for her shit and enable her just like Aasa did.”

I raised my shoulders. “She _is_ a cute little thing, I can’t blame Aasa. Also, Aasa is taking very good care of my _kakyuusei_ back in the Snow Troupe, why wouldn’t I return the favor?” I rested my back against the closest wall. “This was just a joke and a misunderstanding. It’s all been cleared up, and we’re back to normal.”

“I saw you kissing her.”

“The tongue was fake.”

“How long has it been since you dated anyone? At least since you’ve transferred, right?”

I cackled. “Let’s leave it like that so it hurts less. But I’m not after Ari, even if I think she might be lesbian or bi? I don’t know.”

“I suspect you forgot what flirting is at this point. Read my damn messages. Besides, that brat won’t be anything, she doesn’t date troupe members.”

I raised an eyebrow.

_To be continued…_

Anita


	2. Chapter 2

I stood in front of Ari’s room a few days after the party, wondering whether I was finally ready to knock. Our days had been full ever since, but that was just the excuse I’d been using not to have the talk I felt we should. And the feeling had been mutual; Ari was definitely avoiding me. Through the last five days, three I had done exactly this: walked up to her room and frozen. On one of these, I had already applied all my nightly creams and just couldn’t sleep. Still, no matter how many times I had come all the way here, I was surely never going to complete the task looking like someone’s aunt. Today was a little improvement—I was wearing an old shirt I loved with printed pictures of my 95ki _douki_ on it and even had a hoodie over.

Sighing, I tried again to imagine exactly what I needed to tell her. It was that it was too much. Mayu had filled me in with so much information… What tone was I even supposed to use? Of course, I wasn’t here to slut-shame her. My limited number of past relationships did make all the rumors about Ari overwhelming, but that was on me. Then again, what if they were all rumors? Just like Ari thinking I’d been lovesick about Rurika-san and like I myself had thought she’d wanted to make Miki-san jealous at the party, Mayu could have just assumed a lot of things.

Because of that, I had called Aasa on that same night. First, I had tried coming here to this door, straight to the source, but Ari had probably been asleep. Walking back to my room, I looked at my bed and pushed aside the hard-to-forget memories of the story we had created earlier.

“…keep that bed warm and smelling like that lotion I love?”

Then I tried messaging her, just in case she’d been in the shower or something, but she didn’t read it for more than an hour. Finally, I caved to my curiosity and called the one friend we had in common, Aasa. The two had been for years in the same Moon Troupe. Back when my transfer was announced, while I asked Aasa to take care of my _kakyuusei_ , she had reassured me she’d also asked Ari to take care of me. I’d thought it was a joke and maybe it was, but that had been just what Ari had done as soon as the whole troupe had been reunited for _All For One_.

“She did what?” Aasa didn’t seem to take more than a second to breathe as she continued to laugh and repeat inaccurate parts of my retelling of the misunderstanding. Calming down at last, she commented, “So Mayupon is still the overbearing mom, huh?”

“And I can’t reach Ari tonight… I’m not sure what to think.”

“That Mayu wasn’t lying, though.”

For some reason, I had expected to hear the opposite. Again, not because I was mentally slut-shaming Ari; it was just weird.

“You still there, Reiko?”

“Hm,” was all I said.

“But you’re old enough to deal with her, and she definitely won’t touch you.”

“Yeah, Mayupon said she doesn’t get involved with people in the troupe. Like… never?”

Aasa was just quiet in words for a moment, because I could hear something like a mumble? A grunt? Sat on my bed, I changed my weight from a leg to the other because I really had no idea how to word this. “It was just a joke, Aasa. It’s just that it’s a bit odd… Mayu said she’d been with many people in other troupes and all. Did anything happen?” As I asked, I was already shaking my head in self-reprobation. “You shouldn’t be the one to answer me that, I know. I just can’t stop thinking, and Ari is probably sleeping already.”

She snickered, but I didn’t ask if it was at Ari being asleep or at the former affirmation. “You’re still seeing her tomorrow, you know?”

I nodded to myself and quickly added a “Hm” for Aasa. “I’m still a little… astonished.”

I heard her probably change her phone from hands. It was late and I was taking too much of her time for nothing. “Well, I’m more than _astonished_ , for one. That you wouldn’t know it already, that is. I’d risk that you’re the last to know.” She chuckled.

* * *

Days passed since my talk with Aasa. After missing Ari that night, it got harder and harder to express my confusion. This wasn’t about me, to begin. Aasa had finished that conversation saying I should still ask her. I hadn’t talked about this with Mayu again, in fear of how she’d (over)react. The long talks with myself hadn’t been helping and became cyclical.

“Ah.”

I turned to my right upon hearing that sound, already knowing I’d been caught behaving like a stalker outside Ari’s door. “Hey there.”

A bag in one hand, shoulders slumped, head bowing too deep for casually seeing a friend, Ari surely looked more like she’d been the one off-guard. “Good evening,” she said quietly.

We walked inside in silence. She’d left the heater on before going to the convenience store, so the room was almost summerish.

“We never really talked about that misunderstanding,” I started, though that wasn’t exactly the reason I’d come. “Thank you for trying to do that for me.”

Ari was heating water and taking the groceries out from the bag. “Mayu-san told me everything. She was freaked out, I’m sorry for that. I’d forgotten she was around, actually, or I would have taken extra cautions.” Maybe it was too cold outside now that winter had started, but her voice sounded hoarse. Just making it all the more uncomfortable. “Just sit, Reiko-san. And I’m sorry I didn’t think to buy you anything.”

“I’ve eaten, don’t worry. Go ahead, though.”

She nodded, while preparing tea for us two. “It’s true, what you want to ask. I fool around a bit.” The red from the cold on her cheeks intensified.

“And you mustn’t be ashamed,” I added as fast as I could. “Was that why you were avoiding me?”

She denied with her head. “Mayu-san asked me to give you some distance.”

“What?” I’d unconsciously taken my phone out and was ready to message her for explanations.

“Don’t. She was just… freaked out.” She laughed after not finding better words than the one used before.

“So why didn’t I ever hear about any of this? It’s not that it’s my right to know, but it does seem everyone else does.” I didn’t add that the day following the party, the troupe kept questioning me what had happened. No one but Mayu had seen the kiss, but it didn’t mean they hadn’t added it to the rumor mill. They understood it had been just a joke by now, but each of them had delivered me a new story about Ari.

She shrugged. “I’m not the only one who doesn’t tell things.”

It was true I’ve never told her about my past relationships, or even that I’m bisexual. And I may have dodged the topic because it had been so many years since my last kiss that didn’t involve some bad positioning on stage—or a misunderstanding during a party—, I felt it was better not to be reminded. Many of us had boyfriends, even if it was always hard to make it last. In addition, albeit my dry spell not being that uncommon, the length of it was. I blushed just thinking how to defend myself. “There are no things to tell, Ari. I haven’t been with anyone for as long as we know each other. Longer, to be frank.”

“What about your feelings for Rurika-san?” she asked so fast I wondered if she’d even heard me.

“No feelings other than friendship. She’s my type only to admire, not to fall in love with,” I answered honestly, unable to imagine myself with someone like Rurika-san. “I’m also sure I’m not her type.”

“For real?”

I nodded and smiled. “It’s also been a long time since I even _liked_ someone.”

Then I went on to tell her about my last girlfriend. And the ones before.

“Is it your rule?” she interrupted me to ask. “No one from the theater?”

More than that, they hadn’t even been musical theater fans, I noticed when Ari asked. But I shook my head. “It’s not a rule, just never happened.”

“But it’s so easy to be with someone who gets us?”

“Your turn now.”

She bit her lip. “I haven’t had a boyfriend or a girlfriend for some time now too. It never reaches that point lately. And I probably stopped trying when I started using the app.”

“The _app_?” I raised my eyebrows. “You mean those apps to hook up?” I felt alarmed, headlines about date rapes or worse running through my head.

She chortled. “You can’t be angry with Mayu-san if you’re going to be just like her. It’s all safe, don’t be like that.”

Ari told me how she’d started using one of those apps on one day off in Tokyo some years before and had found a really funny guy who’d taken her to this new restaurant for the night of her life. She’d been really stressed about her _Shinko_ performance and for the first time she was able to just relax. Without him knowing who she was, she could just forget stuff. Back in Takarazuka, even now, she was more cautious about using apps, so she’d just go on blind dates or _goukon_ with friends or relatives of friends, as she and the whole theater had been doing in the era before dating apps.

“Or of course, I just call one of us,” she added. “The old-fashioned way works better there. Imagine meeting someone online and she’s, I don’t know, the manager of your fan club? Osaka might not be small, but sometimes it feels everything revolves around Hankyuu there.” She shivered. Then, motioned for my tea. “You’re waiting for it to go cold?” She had long finished hers, but I couldn’t even remember having mine served so entranced I’d been.

“I feel bad that I never paid attention.”

“There _isn’t_ anything to pay attention to, though. I just fool around a bit. Maybe more than average, but I didn’t have any actual girlfriends or boyfriends in the last few years, either. What was there to announce?”

“But you’ve been giving hints for me to open. Even when I thought you were meaning to come out to me and tried to show I was open to it, I never questioned further.”

“And now you know my dark secret.” She smiled. “I’m surprised you aren’t more grossed out.”

“I’m not. _At all_!” My voice had been too loud and we both fell in a laughter together. “Now you’ll tell me everything, right?”

She confirmed. “Also, don’t worry. I don’t do troupe mates.”

“I-I heard.” But shook my head. “I’m not worried.” Although the person who’d told me about it had been so the opposite way. “But what if she changed troupes?”

“Like you?”

I shook my head so hard I felt dizzy. “I meant after, like, if the person is transferred out of the Moon Troupe, would she be game?”

She skewed her head, pressing her lips together. “I guess so.”

“And it’s okay to tell me those things from now on. Especially when you’re out to meet with strangers. Someone has to know your whereabouts!”

“Reiko-san!” Her admonishment gave a start. “In what era were you born? That’s so Showa!”

“All right! Let’s go to what matters most, then.” I made my best to show my seriousness. “Spill the juicy bits right this moment.” And I winked.

Ari faked a gasp. “All yours.”

For the first time, I kind of understood Mayu’s worries. Ari had been just a friend to me, nothing romantic or sexual had ever crossed my mind; not that I could remember at least. Until that point, with those words, her smiling face, the shimmering of her eyes struck something in me and I lost breath for a microsecond. Which is euphemism, because all seconds last the same thousand milliseconds, thus a second couldn’t be micro or tiny or even long. But it was what I had to call it, a microsecond, before I browbeat myself to recompose and listen to all about her latest fling with Kazuki Sora, from the Cosmos Troupe. Someone I’d known from my Music School says but wasn’t really among the people I talked much with ever since. Nevertheless, I’d grow to think constantly of her from then on.

To be continued…

Anita


	3. Chapter 3

_From Tsukishiro Kanato’s LINE Messenger_

**Me: How are things with Sora?  
Arinko: What do you mean?  
Me: You know… Everything going good? She’s in Tokyo now, right?  
Arinko: I guess she’s fine?**

Because _I Am From Austria_ was over, I didn’t see much of Ari for some days. It sucked that, after we finally reached a new level in our friendship, we were cast in separate shows. As much as we could meet around the theater during the rehearsals, it was never the same.

I looked again at our latest message exchange late last night and growled. Was that really a next level? I rolled on my bed, still staring at my phone screen. Today was the assembly day for Ari’s team, but mine still had two full days to happen. 48 hours for me to find a way to continue that conversation. No, I shouldn’t treat this like it was awkward. Ari was probably just joking, pretending I’d imagined her thing with Sora-chan. Of course I hadn’t. But why wouldn’t she tell me more?

**Me: Are you in yet?  
Arinko: You’re here??**

She sent a stamp of a drooling dog.

**Me: In spirit  
Arinko: Should have known better**

She added a picture of a dog in pajamas with a bubble saying _oyasumi_. I might be the actual sleepyhead but that looked so much like her. Dogs always made me think of Ari, even though she didn’t even own one. I smiled, mentally substituting the cartoon dog for Ari.

I must have typed a thousand alternatives for asking about her love life and/or Sora-chan. One of them sounded a lot like a recommendation letter talking about the time I’d spent with the girl during the Music School. In the end, I never brought her up again.

**Me: Hope you slept well  
Arinko: Like an angel!**

Once more, I typed and deleted, typed and deleted. Ari could make this simpler for me and just read between the lines what I wanted to ask, _Were you with anyone???_

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

* * *

Two days later, it was my own assembly day. Hopefully, getting immersed in the universe of _The Red and the Black_ would take my mind off my friend’s liaisons. But I’d forgotten the weird looks I’d been receiving from Miki-san since that party.

Mayu had cleared everything up back then, explaining it’d been just Ari having fun and pretending to be drunk. The only people who’d really heard me answering at the same level were Miki-san and Rurika-san, so it was no wonder Mayu’s excuse wouldn’t work as well for her. She’d known I wasn’t drunk then. To make things worse, the more I tried to find a cue to talk about it, the more awkward I’d get. Even I would start thinking something was up. And then, the musical ended and we didn’t really meet much alone until now.

“I was sure we were getting along better now,” Miki-san said, sitting by my side while we watched the troupe rehearse. “But you’re back to acting like some runaway cat.” She giggled.

She was right, though the cause for my embarrassment was very different from how it had been when I’d transferred. “I’m… sorry. There’s just a lot…”

“Anything to do with Ari?”

I envied those skills. Observe and then do something about it. Miki-san wasn’t very good in speeches but you could always count on her advices; she always knew what was wrong. Although she probably couldn’t have the exact issue in mind, could she?

Here I was mentally complaining about how little Ari had told me, but I didn’t trust enough the person I should be the closest with right now, for the troupe. After weighing what could go wrong with being frank with Miki-san, I decided I could only profit. So I confirmed with my head and went on to give her a summarized version of my discoveries.

Miki-san chuckled even before I was done. “You seriously didn’t know anything?”

As I’d imagined, she’d also been aware… Mayu had been right, I was the last to know. “But you also seemed a little spooked we could be together… At the party, I mean.” I felt my cheeks burn, noticing how petty I sounded.

“Because I’d never seen her with anyone in the troupe. I don’t think she even goes for her _douki_ , in fact.”

“Back when we talked, she mentioned something about being with someone during the school years and it went badly.” With one look on Miki-san’s face, I regretted saying that. That had been news to her, clearly. Ari hadn’t sworn me to secrecy, and I kept assuming to be the last to know stuff. “You… didn’t know that?”

Miki-san shook her head. “I had no idea.” But she understood what I was thinking and smiled kindly. “Don’t worry, I won’t say anything.” She stretched in the chair. “So maybe that’s it, huh? Dating people so close to you can get messy, indeed. But there’s a good side, too.”

I frowned. “You’ve dated someone from our troupe?”

It wasn’t only about Ari’s love life that I’d been oblivious, but for Miki-san it made a lot more sense. We’d had a long awkward period we barely talked and lately I’d come to trust her guidance when anything bothered me with my acting or dancing. Talking about private matters was still a long step ahead. Even now, I felt a little lightheaded hearing her confess something like that—and she hadn’t even said anything in substance yet.

“A few times. I’ve never transferred, so besides my _douki_ , I don’t really have much contact with the others. Unlike Ari, I’m not into men to go gladly on blind dates, either.”

That sounded a little sad. The troupe was her way of settling down? But I thought again to her statement, _Dating people so close to you can get messy._ Settling down was on the opposite side of getting into any mess.

“So…” I bit my lip.

“In any case, they just exaggerate it when they talk about Ari. She’s not our Don Juan.” Miki-san laughed. “And I envy her, being so free about what she wants.”

I wanted so much to ask what had happened to her that Miki-san had to try this hard to keep this light but it still sounded so raw… I couldn’t intrude. “Maybe me too,” I caught myself agreeing to something I hadn’t noticed so clearly before. I lowered my head and studied my hands tightened. But that was the thing, maybe? Was that what had been bothering me when I thought of Ari these days? “I think I’d also like that.”

I watched in slow motion Miki-san's hand approach mine and hesitate there. I knew if I looked up this moment would go away. Did I want it to?

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

* * *

That was my first time sleeping with someone just for that, it was also my first doing something this intimate with a troupe mate. Or with anyone from the theater, for that matter.

After that talk during the rehearsal, she asked me if we could have dinner together in my place. Her eyes were too eager for her to be really talking about dinner. “And maybe stay over?” she’d added, eliminating room for doubts.

How crazy was it, that we were walking home hand in hand? And how even crazier was it that I had just closed the door when she kissed me, pulling my head closer to her? I didn’t remember how long it had been since any tongue had gone inside my mouth and now hers traced all the way down to my neck and inside my shirt. And hadn’t I been wearing a scarf? My heater wasn’t even on yet, I remembered in the back of my mind.

There was very little about each other that was really novelty, so close we were every day, which helped a lot, but would also leave my guard low for what still was new. Miki-san surely worked a lot until I reached my limit and couldn’t hold all the pleasure to myself. As though that had been the final barrier, I lost myself in her arms.

I woke up feeling cold. I wasn’t sure for how long I had dozed off, probably not that much. Looking to my side, Miki-san was still out. She had managed to involve herself in the bed covers, holding them as if they were a teddy bear. It was cute to see that young side of hers so many in the troupe already knew. We’d known each other since the Music School, but she’d been so far ahead of me, who’d say we’d ever come to whatever this had become?

After putting on something comfortable, I emptied a glass of water and turned on the heater, remembering how much Miki-san hated the cold. Mine and her scarves were still by the genkan, so I picked them up and folded them carefully. I did the same with our coats, found not in a much different state. Moving helped me process what we had done.

A fling, this was? Friends with benefits? Could I really? Had anyone suggested it yesterday, I would have doubted it. Affirmed it a month ago, and I’d call them crazy. Originally, I thought I’d only agreed because it had been Miki-san. But that was inexact. Being Miki-san made it harder to refuse, yes. However, this had gotten to a point I even wondered if I hadn’t planted the seed to this idea inside her head. I’d really envied Ari’s freedom… And went further what she’d ever done. The top star of my troupe!

I was probably smiling when I heard the doorbell.

Why was someone here? Was it that much earlier than I had imagined? After Miki-san and I made out by the door, we’d actually had dinner, drunk wine and even started a movie before mustering courage to proceed. Thus, it couldn’t be time for anyone to be visiting me.

As I checked the peephole, I gasped. Hadn’t I, perhaps I’d been wiser and pretended not to be home or to be asleep—although the person outside could probably hear movement and see the lights on inside. But my brain was probably on shortage of oxygen, so I opened the door to Ari.

“Hiya!” she said with a silly smile. “Surprised to see me, sweetheart?”

The smell was already a good hint, but needless. All her body expression spelled she’d drunk until some bar closed.

“Darling, I’m home!” she added as she tried to force her way through me.

My senses back, I held her where she was. “I think you got the wrong home,” I said giggling nervously and failed to turn around.

“I know, I know! It’s just until the first train,” she asked. “I missed the last one.” Then, she tried again to come inside.

I held her shoulders so she’d remain where she was. “It’s better if you take a cab, where’s your phone?”

“Why waste the money with my good friend right here?” This time, Ari managed to take a step inside my _genkan_. She looked down, noticing she’d run over one of the boots there. She stopped and pondered. My hands felt the tightening of her muscles change, so I followed what could have created any tension when she’d sounded like such a merry drunk a second before. Then, her eyes finally saw me, losing that mist the alcohol had given them. She was sobering up after identifying Miki-san’s boots at my doorstep.

I stepped back and waited.

But Ari didn’t say a word. She just walked past me into my living room, where I had folded the pieces of clothes we’d discarded while making out. At least, the most compromising bits had made it into the bedroom.

“You had a party?”

A cop out. I would have identified the offer even without that obvious tone. I wasn’t planning to hide this from Ari, but I’d first have to clear with Miki-san how much I could actually say. Either way, I couldn’t confirm what wasn’t true.

But Ari didn’t wait for an answer and was about to step into my bedroom and find our top star naked, when Miki-san herself came into the living room. Luckily dressed again in the lavender shirt she’d been wearing when we arrived and her black pants. I let out a sigh.

“What’s happening?” Miki-san asked, holding back a yawn.

“Your shirt is buttoned wrong,” Ari said point blank. Then turned back to where I was still frozen by the door and pointed to my face. “We agreed to talk about things and I catch you doing it with Miki-san?”

I opened my mouth three or four times but was unable to come up with anything to say. Something pinched the inside of my brain. Some memory trying to surface.

"How about we have some tea? You've been at some bar until too late again, no?” Miki-san walked to the kitchen and I heard her pour water in the electric water kettle.

Ari ran an unsteady hand through her hair. “Great to see her all cozy here.” Then left, stomping out of my apartment.

I couldn’t react for a while. Only Miki-san coming back out of the kitchen brought me from the crisis inside my head. So I misdirected my anger. Despite knowing that was what I was doing, I couldn’t stop myself from turning against her, spitting venom, “Why did you have to appear looking like that?” The more I saw her, the more evident it was we’d just had sex. She wasn’t wearing a bra. Not only the buttons were misplaced, some were just open. Her hair could be shorter than mine, but it was a mess beyond the good old bedhair. Unless alcoholic amnesia saved us, there was no way I could get out of this with Ari.

Finally, that memory took shape. The party. It all came back to me, to make things worse. What if Ari _was_ in love with Miki-san? That would explain her outburst even better. After all, I had never asked her with all the words if my impression back at the party had been wrong. And here I was, getting it on exactly with the girl my friend loved!

Gosh, what had I done?

“Why are you looking like that?” Miki-san furrowed her brows. “She didn’t really have to see me to conclude you had sex.”

“But we could have avoided her knowing it was with you,” I explained with a more even voice, or actually absent. My mind was already somewhere else.

“And how being me changes anything?” She chuckled. “Her beef was with you, she barely acknowledged me here.”

So Miki-san didn’t know… And I couldn’t betray my friend further. I’d already spoken too much, including what I’d said earlier. Maybe Miki-san wasn’t always that observant as I’d thought.

“I’m going after her.” I got my phone and my coat. “The cab will probably not have arrived yet.”

“Better let her be for now,” Miki-san suggested. Then pointed to me. “I’m not the only one without a bra, and it’s super cold tonight. You’ll catch a cold and might not even find Ari.” She approached slowly and involved my shoulder, pulling me gently against her. Then she kissed the top of my head. “Now you reaped the bad part of this, how about enjoying the good too?”

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

* * *

_From Tsukishiro Kanato’s LINE Messenger_

**Arinko: Still up?  
Arinko: Really need your extra bedroom tonight  
Arinko: I’ll be honest  
Arinko: Was so stressed from the rehearsal  
Arinko: I called this friend from a friend  
Arinko: He took me to this bar near your house  
Arinko: But he sucked, he couldn’t hold his liquor, slept on his hand  
Arinko: Since he was paying, I decided to keep going  
Arinko: See, I’m telling you everything  
Arinko: I’m sure you don’t want to know his size  
Arinko: I never found out though  
Arinko: I woke him up to pay the bill and left  
Arinko: I’m almost at your door  
Arinko: Will ring until you open  
Arinko: Am ringing  
Arinko: I know you’re in, I can see you moving  
Arinko: I’m too bored to go home  
Arinko: Ding dong  
Arinko: Knock knock  
Arinko: Ah! You coming**

_To be continued…_

Anita


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

I didn’t think I could stay so long without actually speaking to Ari. This had probably happened a couple of times before, we’d surely had a long period of silence while I recovered from my injury too. It was that we were actively not talking now. Our Line chat had frozen in time, “ **Ah you coming** ”.

"Still think it's a coincidence,” Mayu said every time I commented.

But how could she really know how angry Ari had really been? I couldn’t really tell the whole story without compromising Miki-san. Omitting that had also made it very hard to communicate, so I’d created this person I’d known for many years, and that we’d been hooking up lately. Still, Ari have a good reason not to talk to me Mayu could never grasp from my fake endeavor. Perhaps, I should have been more sensitive, that Miki-san meant more to Ari.

“You could just send her a message too, you know?” Mayu offered one day, hitting a weak spot.

And I should, since she’d been the last to write. That would make sense to Mayu, who still only had a part of the events.

“We’re not even on the same team, what am I to write?” I asked, even knowing it was just an excuse not to be the first to take a step. I _did_ feel guilty, huh? Officially, Ari had denied wanting to make Miki-san jealous that night. And truthfully, I’d just erased the whole misunderstanding and taken on the offer to have fun with Miki-san. Even now, I had no idea if Ari actually had any special feelings or had just been mad that I hadn’t told her about us. If only I could just sit with her and _talk_!

“Good luck?” Mayu’s suggestion startled me, then I noticed she’d just meant that as suggestion of message to send Ari. Without waiting for my opinion, she turned her back to me and left the room.

Like I could just type that, “Good luck!” of all things, when Ari was already in the middle of her run. It was the middle of February, I couldn’t even show up at her house and treat her to something. Our days off didn’t match either, so even if I could take the train to Hyogo on mine, I’d probably be in her way. Moreover, there was the new coronavirus pandemic getting worse by day; I wasn’t sure if taking unnecessary trips was the best plan.

I opened again our chat and stared at her last words, “ **Ah you coming** ”. But before I could _actively_ not do anything again, a message came from someone else. I knew why I had waited this long to do anything, when we’d been rehearsing almost side by side for a month.

“ **I’ll be at yours in thirty** ,” Miki-san’s message read.

I’d been so distracted thinking about our day off, I’d forgotten we’d agreed to meet tonight. And I wasn’t even fully clothed yet after showering, just still holding the phone and complaining about Ari.

Miki-san and I had been seeing each other since January. After taking out on her for the problem with Ari that night, I hadn’t thought she’d still consider this something _easy_ to relieve the stress. Not until I saw her at my doorstep some days later, carrying dinner for two. And we had been going smoothly so far, which had also increased our chemistry on stage. We talked a lot, even about Ari.

“Hey you!” she was already standing outside when I arrived. “You didn’t need to run, I just arrived too.” She giggled at how breathless I was. “And I brought dinner!”

Most of the times, it was Miki-san who initiated our encounters. She’d ask me if I was free later and then show up with something delicious. Rarely, she also invited me to her room, when I’d try to mimic, picking up food along the way, which usually made me late. Even though she was supposed to be busier than I… Those small things always made me wonder whether we were just colleagues with benefits, as I’d originally understood. It sounded inaccurate.

“Mayupon said you still didn’t talk with Ari?” Miki-san was setting the table in my room, while I investigated what she’d brought.

“I was thinking of going there the day after tomorrow.”

I noticed her wriggle her nose. “Aren’t they ending soon? She’ll probably come up here to watch us.”

And Miki-san had been right—Ari did show up as soon as her run in Umeda was over. But just like all other times we’d been rehearsing and even meeting by chance in the hallways, I couldn’t really speak to her once she was standing right there. At this point, she could as well think I was the one ignoring her, so awkward I’d feel each time.

I’d even contacted Aasa, but she was probably too busy with her musical to do much. “ **Mayupon is right, you’re just making this bigger than it is** ,” she’d answered me on Line. “ **Ari’s cold treatments can only last so long** ,” she’d added to my surmise. So she did think this was some sort of cold treatment? And she didn’t even know about Miki-san to reach that conclusion. “ **Shouldn’t you be more worried about having your show cancelled?** ” Aasa sent a little after, making me feel guilty.

The pandemic only got worse and Miki-san had mentioned she’d heard talks about cancelations. And I still hadn’t had any room in my mind to consider that, even though the Line group with my _douki_ members was becoming a wall of lamentations the last few days. “ **Did you hear anything new?** ” I asked her, but I had already opened back to reread my last conversation with Ari.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

The following days went by like a succession of bad dreams. We all had already been aware of Miki-san’s retirement the following year, but seeing it stuck on a board, announced on TV, written on the website was something else. And over the next days, the two of us had spent the night together. At least, this kept me busy enough not to think of ways I could contact Ari. And the less I had time, the quicker time was put in between; and the assembly day for the whole troupe would only get closer. We’d be okay then, when I finally told her she’d misunderstood everything; perhaps, I could even hope that I’d also been wrong and she holds no feelings for Miki-san.

“This is looking bad…” Miki-san was still naked on her bed, but had gotten her cell phone while I was taking a bath.

“Did anything happen?” I asked before absent-mindedly turning on the hair drier. It took me some time to notice she’d been answering me through the noise, by which Miki-san was already chuckling.

She came to end of the bed and kneeled to give me a kiss on the cheek. “The virus thing, Usshii,” she said inside my ear, calling me by the name she’d picked from my _douki_ friends.

I turned off the drier and argued, “Maybe in Kansai, but the numbers in Tokyo aren’t so bad.”

“Um…” she didn’t sound convinced at all.

“Did you hear anything?”

She’d slipped before about how she’d get some inside information on the plans for the theater.

“Not from the theater yet, but being a transferee, you’re even more connected to the troupes than I; you know this is not normal.”

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

But I really had no idea it could come to this. All shows were cancelled a couple of days later and it was as if March never existed. The month I had been counting on to make peace with Ari never really came. Even though we were again in the same city, no one knew when the rehearsals would finally start. Everything everywhere was one huge mess.

I barely knew the convenience store near my house until The Red and the Black was cancelled and I ended up home with lots of nothing to do. Weeks later, I even knew the people who worked there. Aside from groceries, no one could do anything in the middle of a quarantine, so I caught myself visiting there every three days or less. Most of my life as a takarasienne had been about eating out or at the canteen of the theater, so no wonder I still couldn’t adapt to the new shopping list I had. I actually had a legitimate shopping list! Also, I missed food there, it was boring to cook just for myself.

“ **The sakura are blooming!** ” came the message Rei Makoto sent to our douki group along with a photo of the sakura tree. “ **This spot is great, too bad we can’t sit by the flowers this year** ,” she sent in another.

“ **I don’t think we’ve done any hanami together since the Music School** ,” Sakuragi Minato answered while I still had my phone open. Zun’s name had been stirring up some weird feelings in me, just because she was in the Cosmos Troupe, together with Sora Kazuki. Would Ari go see the sakura with Sora-chan this year?

“ **Are you going with your troupe this year too?** ” I stood by my door as I typed but deleted right after. I didn’t want Zun to think I’d been judging her; I just wanted to know whom Sora-chan was going with. “ **Did anyone in your troupe go** ,” I started typing and again deleted. Kocchan sounded so excited, it was possible not many had noticed the sakura blooming yet. I hadn’t, for one. So that question would burn my chances of actually knowing it when it did happen later.

I decided to withhold that message for a week or so. Maybe I could even call Zun then and find a more discreet way to ask if Sora-chan has gone out with anyone (or Ari) lately. It would be good to have any news from her, I realized as I finally decided to go inside. So I let the chat roll a bit more in the group before participating.

I put my phone back in my coat’s pocket and went inside my apartment to a bright _genkan_ , almost tripping over a pair of boots lying around. That momentarily brought me back to Ari’s look when she’d spotted Miki-san’s that night, right where these were this evening. I put my bags down and was about to put them in the shoe rack when I realized these weren’t mine.

“Welcome back!”

I raised my eyes and would have screamed if panic hadn’t left me voiceless. And breathless. So much, I couldn’t think for too many seconds until I identified the intruder.

“How… did you get in?” I asked with a throaty voice through my mask, still not breathing regularly. Removing it, I looked again at Ari standing a few steps from me while wearing my black hoodie.

“I’m making stew! I figured you’ve been too lazy to make actual food and I think I was right.” She pointed at my bag and I shrank from being caught with junk food. “It’s almost ready, so go wash your hands and help put the table.”

I was on my way to comply when I noticed she’d never answered. “How did you come inside?”

Ari had already returned to the kitchen, making actual sounds of cooking something. “The door wasn’t locked, and it was too cold to wait outside.”

“You almost killed me.”

“I could see!” I heard her laughter mixed with the sounds from the stove. “I wish I had a picture of that face you made.”

My hands were shaking as I washed them. I couldn’t believe that, after all those months, Ari was simply cooking dinner for me. Then I wondered why. Was that some way of apologizing? For what? I was the one who’d made the mess we were in, even if not on purpose. I could see it all through Ari’s viewpoint, and I looked bad, really bad.

I still wasn’t well when I got the dishes, almost breaking two bowls.

“What happened?” Ari hurried from the kitchen with a pair of cooking hashi in her hand.

“Nothing,” I said, finishing the task still hearing my heart thump over everything else. “Should I heat some water for tea?”

“Yes! The stew is ready too, but the rice still doesn’t seem to be.”

She’d even made rice? For how long had she been here? I didn’t think I’d taken that much at the convenience store, so she must have gone inside the moment she’d arrived, which had maybe been a second after I’d left.

“You could have texted,” I tried saying it lightly, like a non-consequential comment. “You had time to make all this… You would have waited a lot, if the door wasn’t open.”

From the corner of my eyes, I caught her tighten her lips. “It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.”

“And there’s the quarantine too.”

“I promise I haven’t been seeing everyone like this, don’t worry.” Her smile looked tense, but I pretended not to see it. My tone before had already risked too much. This, her being here, was much more than I could have expected thirty minutes before, so I’d better not risk her going home now.

I smiled back, because I was honestly glad we could be like this, just cooking in my kitchen, surrounded by a delicious smell coming from her vegetables.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

I’d just finished doing the dishes as Ari helped drying and putting them away, when she snapped her fingers. “How about we have some fun now?”

She put on a DVD she’d picked at random from my collection and grabbed one of the bags she’d brought.

“You have your makeup here?” I raised my eyebrows.

“I thought of bringing some games, but I couldn’t resist. It’s been some time, why not play with these a bit?” She raised a lipstick in each hand. “Also, do you have your wigs here? I’d love to try something with them.”

I shrugged. This sounded a lot like a slumber party from some 60’s American movie, but whatever pleased her. I offered to be the first guinea pig.

As the make-up session advanced, I couldn’t hold back any longer. “I’m sorry for everything.”

“What are you apologizing for, Reiko-san? Moving and almost ruining the eyeliner?” She snickered.

“Sorry for that too.” I tried to be more conscious of my movements as I explained: “That night you saw me with Miki-san. I hadn’t told you about it because it was new to me, too. That hadn’t been planned, believe it or not. We’d first talked about tit that same day, I swear. I just wanted to give fun a try, like you do. Not that I’m blaming you…”

“I know.”

“You don’t have to like it.”

“No, Miki-san told me the next day, that she’d started everything.”

“Oh…” That was news to me. Why hadn’t Miki-san ever mentioned talking to Ari?

“It was clear how immature I’d been, so I felt embarrassed and thought a lot about…” She let her voice die, finishing with the eyeliner.

“About?”

“Hey, now it’s your turn! I want something super cool, like people in the Star Troupe would wear.”

“I came from the Snow Troupe, though.”

“Get a picture of Chie-san and try to follow!”

I complied.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

My body felt so heavy the next day I wasn’t sure I would be able to get up before it was already dark. For long minutes, I couldn’t even feel the shoulder I’d slept on. The pain started doing the trick of forcing me to move at least to a less unnatural position, rolling back on bed. That was when I hit something that wasn’t usually there when I woke up.

I looked to my side, a movement that took more than a minute because my neck was stiff. I felt like it had been hung on a wall with a nail through and through, or maybe that was just what the pain made me think of. When I finally managed it, I found Ari lying next to me, in an alarmingly compact space. “What…” I couldn’t formulate whatever I’d meant to ask with my brain still more than half asleep and struggling to be left alone like that.

I had some sort of memory of being the one who’d asked her to stay over, because it had been very late already, but mostly because I’d been too drunk to remember about the quarantine.

“Good morning!” She turned to me, not bothered that my legs had ended up on top of hers after I’d rolled on the bed. I noticed she hadn’t been sleeping, but typing on her phone.

“Are you talking to Sora-chan?” I didn’t realize how stupid it was to touch that matter because I was too worried I had kept Ari overnight instead of letting her go home to whatever Sora-chan was to her. I pulled back my legs self-consciously and made an effort to sit up.

She twisted her face, which was my first clue. “Just passing time before you woke up. Our photos yesterday were mad, though!”

Photos… Yesterday… Ah. I felt the blush come even before I remembered how silly we’d looked after too many glasses of wine, followed by three cans of _chuuhai_. To think I’d allowed it to be recorded for posterity…

“Look this one!” Ari had probably read my mind and showed yesterday us in a pose for the Rose of Versailles’ Bastille dance, pretending to lift Oscar. “With some editing…” She swapped ahead through a million attempts of famous and not-so-famous poses. “I’d love using this one in my next ochakai!”

September was still far enough that this crazy pandemic might have ended by then. I had to make sure we took a less embarrassing—at least, less drunk—shot than imitating the famous pose from Lover’s Suicide. Or Titanic, which seemed to have been our following theme in Ari’s film roll. The line we’d progressed was increasingly romantic, in a tragic way. I looked away before finding out what had been next. “So, what did Sora-chan say about you spending the night here?”

Damn. I was still sleepy. I’d forgotten she’d already been clear I should not touch that subject. So much for us telling each other everything…

“It wasn’t her.” Ari locked her screen and got out of the bed. Now I could see she’d slept in my hoodie from last night, the sweatpants were also mine.

“I’m sorry, I know I’m not supposed to mention her… But that was the first thing that came to my mind when I saw you on the phone.”

She looked back from my bedroom door pouting a little. “I don’t get why you’re so fixated on a thing I had months ago.”

“So it's over?”

“It wasn’t anything to be over, Reiko-san.” She gave the same smile one would to a child who won’t understand the amusement park is closing so they have to go home. And I was equally disappointed, because that didn’t make it any more clear. Her voice resonated, “… _why you’re so fixated_ ”.

I was, wasn't I?

But we were good friends, almost best friends. I cared a lot about her and for years there had been this another side I’d finally made contact with. However, that was it. I was still not allowed inside.

“You want to know about me but I also want to hear about you,” I explained probably too late.

She lowered her head and spoke in a voice so low I may have misheard her say, “I know already.” But she seemed to change her mind. “So it’s a date!” Or had I really misheard it? One thing didn’t add to the other, right?

“A date?”

“Didn’t we talk about how fun it would be to go around town playing some part? We’ll get to know each other better, like one should on dates. I’ll also get a chance to improve my acting. And I promise I won’t go overboard with your make up again, so _please_?” Her eyes were so big and watery I tried to ignore the dread from those words.

“I’m not walking around in stage makeup!” It had already taken some getting used to with the whole _otokoyaku_ wardrobe. “I _live_ here.”

“How much did you drink last night?” Ari disappeared for a minute and then came back with a long skirt I’d never seen in my life so she’d definitely brought it with her. “We’ll play boyfriend and girlfriend! And you lost the _jankenpo_.” She presented it to me with solemnity. “Now let me get changed so we can start on our makeup!”

I looked dumbfounded, but it didn’t feel so wrong. “What about the pandemic?” I shouted to the bathroom, where Ari had entered.

“We won’t go anywhere crowded and we’ll keep our masks on the whole time,” she answered from the other side without waiting a beat, making it clear she’d already planned for my resistance. “Also, we do have to buy lunch, so it’s not totally gratuitous.”

I finally got up, still holding the skirt, and went to my closet to find a feminine enough blouse or something that would agree. My head was full of ideas of how to do Ari’s make up, depending only on what type of clothes she’d chose. Her style was most of the times tomboyish and her round face didn’t hide how young she was. My first strategy would have to be to bring out the man from that boy in her. Surely, it would have been simpler to have her be the girlfriend. We’d be the perfect match. I still remembered her _hatsumoude_ poster picture, for it hadn’t been long since I’d last seen it—it popped up during one completely unrelated search on Google—and she’d looked like a pretty and high class president of the student council. She’d make any man jealous as a girlfriend, I was sure. Unfortunately, we were supposed to hope not to run into people outside.

“Hey, that's not cute!” Ari had appeared from the bathroom wearing my robe, with her hair and face dripping from not being properly dried. She smelled like my soap and my conditioner, but I still felt compelled to inhale. “It’s a _date,_ not a business meeting. You have to charm me, Reiko-san.”

“Just pick me something then.”

“Not fun! I want you to choose it thinking of me!” She winked and pulled one of my jackets out. “Borrowing.” Then moved to her bag and got her binder.

My eyes had moved on their own to investigate what she was wearing underneath, so I turned around and faked choosing another blouse. But my breath was uneven, too aware I was of her moving around the room. I exhaled the moment she left to go back to the bathroom, but gasped a second later when she returned.

“Don’t you need to go or something? I can change in here.” She looked satisfied when she noticed I was still choosing my clothes. “So cute!” She pointed at what I had in my hand, though merely by coincidence for my attention had been elsewhere.

I blushed in shame. I’d forgotten what I was supposed to be doing until then.

"Okay, I'll help you. Or we’ll only eat tomorrow…” She quickly took out a white lace blouse I didn’t even remember owing, then picked a baby pink undershirt from her bag. “This is it!”

“Pink? Are you serious?”

She pouted. “For me? _Please_?”

“That's the last please I'll listen to today, you heard me?” I stated it, though even I wasn’t confident I could follow through.

My hand was on the bathroom door when I heard the doorbell.

Inside my head, a million thoughts occurred and all of them included me forgetting some appointment. I walked slowly to the door, wondering how mad my manager would be at the other side despite me being unable to remember anything I’d have scheduled. In fact, I was 80% sure I was free. That pretty much summarized my days during the pandemic. At the same time, when was the last time I’d checked my messages? I’d seen Ari’s phone when I woke up, but mine? I’d been on tour to lala land all night after dinner, and also before it, so the times I had it with me, I wasn’t paying attention to any reminders my manager might have sent me.

While I couldn’t decide if I should be frank with her or just ask a few minutes to get ready, the doorbell rang angrier. So I opened the door. There I found a huge basket filled with all the delicious things I could have listed for breakfast.

“Usshii! Good morning?” Miki-san smiled at me from behind it, tilting her head when her eyes found the pink undershirt in my hand. Now I noticed, I’d forgotten the skirt before going to change, it was probably still lying on my bed.

Or not. I felt Ari walking toward us just then, and turned to find her in my robe, still wet from her shower. A thought crossed my mind too late, because it had been too sleepy to have it before—she wasn’t really wearing anything underneath, was she? She’d just gotten out of a bath and put on my robe.

Ari had walked to us with nothing but a robe to hand the damned skirt I’d left behind. “Miki-san?” she stared blankly at my new guest.

That tightness in my stomach wasn’t normal, if we were to consider it was just my friend and my casual partner meeting on a random morning.

_To be continued…_

Anita


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Now I thought about it, why would Ari come to the entrance of my apartment after hearing a very loud doorbell? We’d all received pretty clear and strict orders: do not leave your homes, do not socialize. Although most of us started exercising and all of us still had to go out to buy groceries, the second part shouldn’t have exceptions. While I was sure a lot weren’t following it strictly (I promise I’d been until last night), I’d expected Ari to at least pretend we were behaving and not show up to whoever would be visiting me. What if this were a director? They’d never come to my house before, but it could have been.

So… why was she joining us, greeting Miki-san while motioning for me to take her skirt?

“She’s here?” Miki-san was predictably puzzled. “You’re spending the quarantine together?”

I looked to my side, where Ari still tried to force me to take the skirt, then back to Miki-san. “No… no.”

“Yeah!” Ari said at the same time but much more firm, her answer muffling mine. “I was feeling lonely, so I came over.”

Miki-san took another moment to study us.

“She just stopped by last night, but we drank too much…” I heard myself and I sounded desperate, so I stopped mid-sentence.

“We're going on a date now,” Ari completed very differently from how I’d planned that to sound to Miki-san.

“To have lunch,” I corrected with a steadier voice. And then I faltered, realizing neither of them beheld a satisfied look on the faces they made at me. I felt as though on the top of a mountain, praying for oxygen. Damage control. I needed to do damage control fast. “Ari, could I… just…”

Unlike what I’d predicted, Ari in fact appeared satisfied with that. She nodded and walked to my room without even trying to push the skirt at me a last time. Maybe she’d even given a look of contempt to Miki-san, or was it my imagination?

Hearing the door close after Ari, I asked Miki-san to come inside and led her to my living room. We found it surprisingly organized considering the glimpses I’d retained from the previous night.

“I don't think we’re eating any of this, are we?” Miki-san put down the basket on my dining table without a second look. “But don’t let it go to waste, okay? Share it with Ari, or something.” Her smile was so kind, it finally made my breathing easier.

Indeed, why was I feeling bad? Ari and I had just literally slept together. Also, Miki-san wasn’t my girlfriend, that wasn’t our thing. Above all, we hadn’t even slept together for almost a month. Or met in person, for that matter. Our video calls had gone a little non-family friendly at times, but we’d been joking more often than not. Her visiting me this morning of all days had been just unlucky—she hadn’t caught me doing anything I wasn’t allowed to.

“So… you two made up. How nice.” She motioned for my room with her head.

“She just showed up last night.” Inside my house, my mind completed the sentence, but I decided to skip that part. “I’d say she was bored or something, so we were catching up.”

“Oh, I thought she was living with you.”

“What?” I laughed. “No way, that’s not even allowed. I know visiting right now isn’t either, but no. No way…” I laughed again.

“I feel stupid; I just realized you must also have received the same pictures.”

The word pictures brought up a lot of flashes of memories of the silly poses we’d done in this same room last night. Which made me sweat. I really hoped I hadn’t sent them to anyone, much less to Miki-san. And that neither had Ari.

Miki-san stared at me, maybe trying to guess my thoughts. “The sakura.” She took out her phone and showed me photos that indeed looked familiar. “I bet you were planning on taking Ari there, right? It’s just some random park according to Kocchan, so there shouldn’t be anyone this evening. You two can enjoy all you want and in private!”

She locked the screen again and put the phone in her pocket. I just realized I hadn’t even turned on the heater in the living room or offered to put her coat away. No wonder Miki-san had seen through my intentions. Which had been to make her leave, not going out to appreciate flowers with Ari. Because I’d completely forgotten about the sakura trees Kocchan had sent us.

“So she sent the same to the top stars group?”

“ **The sakura are blooming. This spot is great, too bad we can’t sit by the flowers this year,** ” Kocchan had written to our _douki_ Line group. I looked again at the basket.

“Oh, no, I didn’t intend to eat those there. Just breakfast, as I said.” Miki-san paused and combed her hair with her hand. “No, I didn’t get to tell you that part. Sorry. I really had no idea Ari would be here.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay and eat?” I’d finally realized if that was breakfast, than Miki-san should be _fast_ ing at the moment. Since I was also on an empty stomach, my hunger felt for hers.

She shook her head and stood up. “I should get going.” But she hesitated for a while and then looked again in my direction. “Is there anything here, Usshii?”

“What?” I frowned alternatively looking to the floor and stealing a glance at her, while I blushed. Did she just ask what I’d imagined? If I had feelings for her? Gee, how did I even begin? Because I surely had none of that sort, but Miki-san had without a doubt become too valuable a friend.

“Not us. You.” She lifted her chin toward my room. “And her.”

Now I blushed harder for considering the wrong interpretation and making it even more awkward.

No, wait. No the part to focus now.

“WHAT?” I laughed so nervously I could see myself from outside of my body. “NO!”

“So you’re also sending her away after I leave?”

I knew I was taking too long to answer, but I really hadn’t thought of how much longer had I wanted Ari stay. It was a quarantine, in the end.

“I’m not jealous, don’t worry.” Miki-san smiled warmly and walked toward the _genkan_. “Just trying to understand.”

I lowered my head, because I too wasn’t so sure of what was going on _here_. Between Miki-san and me. This didn’t feel easy at all, even less as she closed the door.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

It may have taken an hour or a few minutes. There was just a lot going through my head for me to move from my spot: standing in the middle of the living room, my side to the _genkan_. I still couldn’t look at the door. I felt… embarrassed. That was the first I could name. I also felt bad. Uneasy, ironically uneasy.

“Hey…” I heard Ari’s tentative voice and startled at noticing her right in front of me. Then startled again, simply because it was Ari. “I swear I didn’t hear anything. You weren’t loud enough and I didn’t want to spy on you.”

She moved to the basket, still on my dining table. This should be obvious when neither of us had touched it, but I’d hoped that it had all been a nightmare. Was I too dramatic? I really needed to get a clue…

“But you can tell me what happened,” Ari continued, as she opened the beautiful royal blue ribbon. Miki-san had probably chosen one of my favorite colors on purpose, although I didn’t remember telling her about it. “You look terrible…” Ari had somehow approached me while I stared at the unmade plastic band that used to be that beautiful ribbon. She took my hand; hers were so warm and mine was shaking without my noticing until now. “It didn’t sound like a fight but I swear I wasn’t listening in so I have no idea.”

“You... ” I swallowed and tried again. “You knew it was her.” I got my hand back and decided to resume what Ari had started, putting away the items in the basket. “How did you know?”

Ari feigned not comprehending what I was talking about, but there wasn’t an alternative.

“Even I thought it could be my manager; so how did you know you could just come to the _genkan_ in a robe?” As I spoke, I knew I wasn’t angry at her prank. The point stood very far from it.

“Y-your phone…” she mumbled almost inaudibly. “A notification came and it made a noise in the room. So I found it and saw Miki-san saying she was at the door at the same time the bell rang. Couldn’t have been anyone else.” She gripped hard at her pants. I’d taken this long to notice she had finally changed out of the robe; she’d really been busy trying not to pry on us.

It was really it. Lucky me for catching it this early on. So why couldn’t I breathe properly?

“Ari… why did you come last night?”

“You don’t think I foresaw that Miki-san would be coming today acting all romantic like that, do you?” Her voice was higher and all her demeanor became defensive. I felt bad because I was indeed interrogating her, but I really needed to know everything.

Ari had taken a couple of steps back and pondered as she studied me. Tried to read my intentions behind my questioning. “I was lonely… I have barely seen a soul since the beginning of the quarantine.” Yes, that was exactly what I had imagined. Now, of course. Until yesterday, I was sure she had been getting it on every day with Sora-chan and whomever else she’d met online. But that was the Ari I had created after hearing the stories and having too much time to build all else around them. This was the Ari I actually knew.

“You needed some company.”

“And I really wanted to see you,” she completed with a nod.

I smiled, tasting the bitterness from being right in my deduction. And for not knowing any better. What had I expected?

“Ari… you should go.”

She’d misinterpreted how I was dealing with all this. I could see it from how long it took for her to taking in what I had requested. “We’re going out now? The date?” It sounded more like she was pleading now.

“I need you to go home, please.” I turned my back as I stored part of the food in my cabinet. I couldn’t define if I wanted her not to be there when I turned again or the right opposite.

“Reiko-san, what did happen? Maybe I can talk to Miki-san. It’s just like what happened two months ago, remember?” She paused. “Even less; damn, much less!” And laughed, but it sounded hollow. “Reiko-san?” she pleaded blatantly now.

“I don’t even know, so how can I tell you?” I knew from my unsteady tone that I was at my limit.

“You two are more serious than I thought.” I heard Ari walking toward me. She spoke in a low voice now, “Do you love her?”

“No.” I wish I did, but I really didn’t. I should have at least hesitated that moment I misinterpreted Miki-san and thought she’d been asking me that same thing. But I’d been confident that I truly didn’t love her, not romantically. I was even more sure of it now that I understood why.

“We just made up, Reiko-san. It’s not fair that you still won’t be honest with me.” She brushed my arm with her hand but seemed to reconsider and took it away. “Let’s go out, you’ll feel better.”

Shit… That was tempting. So I looked to my feet, trying to ignore how close hers were.

“I don’t wanna go home,” she insisted, her feet moving toward me. “Let me at least spend today with you.”

“Let’s give up.” The words grazed my throat like thorns, but they were finally out. “We were so much better before, right?” As they did, I felt lighter. “It was all better before, so let’s go back.”

Ari fixed her gaze at me for so long I wondered if she intended to stay the whole day like that. Until she finally blinked and turned around. I heard her move about the house for too long, resisting the urge to apologize. To just go on that date, have lunch, walk around town pretending to be a couple, come back and watch more musicals. Yesterday had been so much fun.

But she left. She’d thankfully left before my resolve crumbled.

Because what I really wanted she wouldn’t give me.

Shit, I was glad I had caught it before my feelings had grown and suffocated us two. If scotching it was this excruciating… I wouldn’t have survived if this bud had bloomed before I nipped it.

My eyes felt weird. My nose, too. I knew it wasn’t some virus, but still, it had spread too fast; how could I feel this… useless. 

I wished I could at least call Miki-san and have her spoil me. I’d been _so_ brave my muscles physically hurt.

Mayupon would laugh so loud and hard. She had warned me all right.

_To be continued…_

Anita


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

I kept deferring the moment to call Mayu for help. Even though that was all I thought about, even though I knew I couldn’t deal with everything that had happened alone… She was scary. And she’d been scarily on point.

As I bathed until I felt sick from the heat. As I ate until I felt sick from all the food—Miki-san’s basket could have filled the stomachs of us three and I could still share a part with my manager the next time I slept in and made her wait anxious about the arrival schedule at the theater. As I lay down trying to sleep until I felt sick from… Maybe I just felt sick in general. But the whole time, I thought of how I really couldn’t find a way out but waiting for this to pass.

I’d been so well until I found Ari inside my apartment… Or a little well? But only because she’d stopped talking to me, which was a miser little problem compared to what she’d caused when she decided to talk to me again. And it was also Miki-san’s fault for asking me about it. The three of us could have eaten together, played the whole day and then gone to see the sakura. No questions asked and my heart would have been okay. Not the mess it had become now. Now I knew the name for this sickness.

It was already past eight in the night when I recovered my phone from the bedside table where Ari had probably found it. Actually, it had taken me some ten minutes more from staring and thinking who had last touched it. My whole room, now I’d gotten back to it, smelled of one of my perfumes. I hadn’t had time to put on any that day, which meant it was Ari. She’d used one for the date we never went to.

_I could have kissed her, if we had._

No, no. Don’t go that road. The best thing I’d done was not even considering physical involvement. We did sleep in the same bed but I’d been too drunk to remember anything but waking up, so it hadn’t counted. This thing had only been platonic and now it was a had-been. It was over. I wouldn’t feed it ever again.

But maybe I could have kissed her last night. We’d been _really_ out of it.

So I got my phone to check the photographic evidence in my gallery. There had been so many in her phone, so there should be more in mine. I’d at least be able to reminisce the time I’d been blindly in love, so blind I hadn’t even known. Twenty-four hours ago I’d been the happiest girl alive, and here was the confirmation.

However, the last photo in my gallery had been the sakura trees downloaded from Line. I looked everywhere, even in the videos, even in my trash, but I didn’t have a single image of Ari in my room.

“Why?” I hung my head in frustration and shame. Why did I want these embarrassing photos this much?

“ **Getting warmer every day!** ” the notification for Kocchan’s message in our douki group came with a new picture, a random street this time. So many messages had arrived there since I’d last checked… And I couldn’t care less.

“ **Maybe I should go for a run too** ,” I tried sending, because I knew Kocchan sent those pictures whenever she was out running around town. While the others had ignored her so far, my message quickly received a flood of stamps of people laughing hard. “ **Challenge accepted** ,” read the stamp I sent in reply.

In half an hour, I was in full gear—I had to remove a tag in one of the exercising clothes, which I had no recollection of buying, so no wonder it was brand new.

“ **You're really going, Reiko?”** Mayu’s message came when I’d just closed the door. Soon, there was a new flood.

**Kocchan: You should have told me! Company would be so nice!**  
**Aimi: She’d only last with you for a minute**  
**Rei: Should I go too?**  
**Mayu: She’ll be back home by the time you’re ready**  
**Naomi: Kocchan! You’re not thinking of running again today, right?**  
**Zun: too quiet**  
**Aimi: I think Usshii is really out running!**  
**Tan: wanna see!**  
**Me: Can’t run if you won’t stop messaging!**  
**Mayu: Are you feeling well?  
Me: That’s hurtful**

Mayu sent an old Harry Potter stamp picturing Sirius Black with the saying “ **I’m Sirius!** ”. That terrible pun did it, so I put the phone aside in my pocket.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

In the end, I ran for around five minutes (rounded up) and changed my mind. It was a better evening for just walking around. And just so my effort wouldn’t be in vain, I asked Kocchan about where she’d seen those trees from yesterday. Why not fill my photo gallery with ones I’d taken myself? Unlike what Kocchan had said, the place wasn’t in walking distance from me at all, and I really couldn’t feel any of that getting warmer she’d told the group about. I was dying when I finally reached the damned trees.

Ugh, lucky me I’d considered I’d want to buy something on the way and had brought my wallet with me. No doubt I’d be going home by cab.

The place was a very small park that ended abruptly on a wall to the train tracks. A highway stood just two streets from it and the one by the park was busy enough the place became the worst idea for watching flowers. I got the _chuuhai_ I’d just bought from the convenience store on my way and opened it to get a long gulp.

Exactly when I was thinking tonight it would be just the two of us, the can and I, I felt someone’s stare on me. A guy sat on one of the two benches the park offered and was turned in my direction, not faking how intently he looked here. I felt myself get small. I’d just called the street busy but not a single car passed, no one else was around. I drank a little more and looked again. He was still staring. Or she? Was it a woman wearing pants?

“Miki-san?” I called out loud relieved. And then not so much. That was really Miki-san, the one I’d sent running from my house just this morning after she’d brought me a big, beautiful breakfast basked. A random creep would have been better in this case.

But she nodded and motioned for me sit by her side. “I was just wondering if I was seeing things,” she began when I got closer. “You running in this cold, then stopping for a beer?” She motioned again for the bench.

After a moment’s hesitation, the alcohol and tiredness took over me and I sat down. “I asked Kocchan where this park was. I just didn’t think it was a random tree on some street. Should have guessed, though.”

“I was also disappointed when I got here. Then the lights were on and it was kinda beautiful.”

The lights? She saw them being turned on? It was closer to ten than to nine in the night. For how long had she been here? “Hm… do you want?” I offered my can of _chuuhai_.

She chuckled. “Don’t worry, I’ve eaten and drunk enough.” She let her back slump against the bench, looking upward to the flowers. “How are you feeling? Today was incredibly hectic.”

“I’m so sorry…”

“For what?” Miki-san shut her eyes and waited for my answer, but anything I came up with was just too much to be spoken. “You really had no idea? Of how you felt about Ari?”

I shook my head, but her eyes remained closed. “I was so worried that I couldn’t speak to her, so I thought…”

“Did you two talk?”

I was about to shake my head.

“So no,” she guessed correctly. “You just went on that date?”

“I asked her to go home before anything.”

Miki-san sat upright and looked my way. Which made me feel really stupid, even if I had no idea what I’d done wrong.

“I needed time. A-and distance. From my best friend, she became the one I’m in love with w-within twelve hours.” I felt tired just thinking again about it.

“You should tell her that, or she’ll never know.”

I felt a little resentment boil up in my stomach. “She doesn’t date troupe mates. You know that.” Then I felt bad, because things were also sour with Miki-san and I was here acting up. I drank the rest of the can in homage to that. “We’re not going into our love lives anymore, it’s settled. Look at the mess it caused.”

“And did you ever?”

“She told me a lot of stuff about her apps, Kazuki Sora…” Poor Sora-chan, I just couldn’t get over her.

“ _We_ never did.”

“What do you mean?”

“We never talked. You usually just say there’s nothing to talk about yours, so it just makes it harder for us to tell you anything.” She shook her head. “You think I’m in love with you, and you’re tiptoeing around me ever since you concluded it. But, you know, we never talked about it.”

I blushed. Despite my cheeks being already hot from the cold, the walk, the alcohol, I was sure they grew redder. How could she put it so plainly? “I’m so sorry I just assumed…” My cheeks were scintillating at this point. “Not love love, but just… maybe… some confusion of feelings toward me and…”

Miki-chan laughed soundly. “I do like you, but you never asked anything.”

So why did she… why was she…?

“Ruri and I dated for almost a year. We ended things last October, though. It was so lonely not even being able to call her. Then we happened and it became okay again.”

Miki-san and Rurika-san had been a couple? For real? Because that sounded a lot like fanfiction.

“Thank you for helping me get over her.” Miki-san turned her whole body to me and reached my face, caressing me for a moment. “So don’t worry about me. I was just using you, I’d say.”

Didn’t sound like it, I thought as she removed her hand.

“We never talked about anything that was serious, because ‘there isn’t anything’, as you’d put it. So I’ll take a guess that you and Ari didn’t either.”

“You’re saying just as if she also liked me.”

“She was incredibly territorial.”

“She was just being a brat.” I smiled remembering her prank with the robe and the skirt. “She knew it was you and—”

“She was acting jealous since that night you fought. But I could be wrong. Only you have the right to go and ask her.”

“She still doesn’t date troupe mates… She told me about that girl, remember? Things went bad between them and she was a little traumatized.”

“Yes, the girl in the Music School, a millennium ago.” I hated the smug smile she was showing me now. And wasn’t she belittling something very serious for Ari? “Don’t be angry,” Miki-san said before I protested. “I’m also a bit sour here, but it _is_ the truth. Talk to her, do it for us three.”

I turned to the sakura trees and a vision started forming. Of a reality in which I’d been honest with Ari instead of sending her out, so we ended up in this park, not even taking notice of how small and graceless it was. “I don’t think I can…” I said out of breath.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Out of guilt, I wound up promising myself to talk to Ari. Only she wasn’t at home, even though I’d paid a few bucks for the taxi to bring me there past eleven. Miki-san and I ended up buying more booze—actual beer this time—and talked for a long time about our lost loves. She’d admonished me twice for calling mine like that, and I thought she knew Ari better than I did.

I got home at almost midnight with another can of beer in hand (or half of it). I couldn’t message what I needed to tell Ari, but I also hadn’t been able to find her, not even after I asked directly where she was. She’d ignored me. There wasn’t even the READ mark. She could be dead for all I knew.

No, let’s not be dramatic. Ari would have killed me before hurting herself. Also, I was the one suffering.

But she said she was lonely and I’d ignored it. Just checked the item on my list: _She’s just here not to be alone_.

Enough. I was calling her. No, _video_ calling her. And doing it now, while there was still a quarter of my beer.

One ring. Two rings. Was I really doing it? Three rings. What if she actually accepted? How many rings was it now?

Suddenly, her face was on the screen and I lost hold of my phone. It fell with a loud noise on my floor after performing a few cartwheels from my hands.

“Reiko-san?” I heard her say, assuredly nonplussed to be talking to ceiling. “Reiko-san? Did you… misdial?” I couldn’t see her very well as I did my best to kneel down and recover my phone but I felt she was about to hang up.

“No! Wait! No, I mean, yes, no.” What had been the question?

“Okay…” I waited to hear her snicker as I knew she would; how I loved that tittering sound… But she didn’t. She was waiting for me in silence. Everything had already changed.

“Sorry,” I said as I sat on the floor with my phone back in my hands. “It fell when you picked up, sorry.” I could finally see her. She’d been here just this morning but it already felt like a lifetime. Her face was clean of makeup; she was probably ready to go to bed. “How… are you?” I regretted the silly question, but I couldn’t come up with anything better either.

“Sleepy? It’s midnight. Why are you out of breath?”

She’d been sleeping then? Her hair was a bit messed up, but she certainly wasn’t in her bedroom. I strained my eyes to study her background, and that wasn’t her apartment at all.

“What do you want, Reiko-san?”

I knew those tiles. Ari had done a great job finding somewhere hard to identify but I also knew the shirt she was wearing. It wouldn’t have attracted my attention if all those things weren’t put together. Nonetheless, once you saw the connection…

Ari frowned at my gaze. Even through the camera, she knew I knew. “Reiko-san?” she called me tentatively.

_I don’t do troupe mates._

“I just wanted to know if you were fine,” I lied, feeling sick just from seeing the shirt she was wearing. But it could still be… I got up and hurried to my room.

“I’m going to sleep now, but I’m fine.”

I opened all the doors in my closet, because I had to believe in the high possibility of not finding it where I thought I’d kept it.

“Reiko-san, are you panting? What are you doing?”

_But what if she changed troupes?_

“Looking for something, go on.”

“I don’t have…”

I wasn’t paying attention but the side of my eye caught her looking at herself. No. Just as though I were in a race, I took all stay-home shirts out of my drawer. If I could go through all of them before Ari realized, everything would be fine. But I didn’t take more than ten seconds to fetch what I didn’t want to be here with me. What I wished hard to be what she was wearing on the other side of the videocall.

“I have to go,” Ari said, cutting off as I was lifting my own 95-ki shirt, the same pattern my _douki_ had and that I’d always loved. The shirt Ari wore that wasn’t mine, in a house that wasn’t hers.

… _if the person is transferred out of the Moon Troupe, would she be game?_

_I guess so._

_To be continued…_

Anita


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

“What the hell, Reiko?” Mayu was still in her pajamas when she opened the door to me the next morning. She was flaring for the sun had barely risen, but I was at my limit. I was simply unable to wait a minute more to clear this all up. At the same time, I was a big coward and I still couldn’t go where I really had to. “Wow, you look terrible,” she said after letting me in.

I probably did, because I hadn’t even brushed my hair. I’d thought there would be no need considering I hadn’t slept or even tried to go to bed, but now I remembered the countless times I messed it up and even plucked a few, so overstressed I felt.

“You still haven’t talked to Arinko?” She displayed a friendly smile, or started to because my ire must have transpired and she stopped in the middle of the way. “Or you have.” She shook her head and stretched an arm to the inside of the apartment, allowing me in. “Let’s have coffee, because I’ll need it.”

“You will,” I deadpanned, but went ignored. Mayu just walked to her kitchen and proceeded to prepare the coffee. Just the smell from the powder poured into the maker already made me feel better.

I sat by the kitchen table and dove my upper body on it, stretching lazily in a loud puff followed by a growl. “You never told me anything about Aasa, Mayu. Not a single word!” My voice may have been muffled by the table, just loud enough for her to hear it.

“No idea what you mean.”

“They’re doing it right now. At this very moment.” They were probably sleeping but my mind still pictured their naked bodies collapsing one against another as they laughed at my expression last night, when I saw Ari wearing Aasa’s clothes. I told Mayu what I had seen when I went there, but she still wouldn’t react. “What the hell!” I exclaimed again.

“Reiko, I have no idea what you’re going on about.”

"You do! You were the one who mentioned Aasa in the first place. I’d never realized it if it weren’t for you. So why did you never tell me the damn story? Why did you just let me be there, when every _one_ knew about every damned thing?” The tears rolling now were of exasperation, but they made my eyes sting because of the others I’d cried all night for a myriad of other emotions. I felt so drained. 

“Hey, coffee is ready.” She removed the pot from the maker and poured the content into two cups, throwing one at me, as a mother did bitter medicine to her child.

I wasn’t an uncooperative child though, and drank it thankful for the boost just its smell already offered me. “You were supposed to say everything, but let me go in blind.”

“Saying so more calmly still won’t make me understand what you’re talking about. I’m super missing an episode of this drama. Why do you think the two are…? I can’t repeat that just now with a straight face.” Yet she guffawed, even though she didn’t repeat anything.

“NOT HELPING.”

“Don’t use my coffee against me.” She massaged her temples and sighed. “I’ll presume you did fall for Arinko, disregarding everything I told you.”

“Everything? You told me nothing!”

“I told you that brat was trouble.” Mayu got up, left the kitchen and came back with her cell phone, shaking the screen in front of me. “Whatever is going on, she’s not the one you want to fool around with, that’s what I wrote you.”

“That at the party was really just a joke, you know it.”

She ignored me. “I also told that brat to fucking get away from you.”

“Unwarranted” I said but thought again. “Actually… that’s the thing. _You_ never justified it and just acted as you wanted. Why did you never tell me they had a thing?”

“Because they didn’t. I told you, Aasa enabled Arinko, and it seems like she’s doing it again. Are you sure she was at Aasa’s? That’s what all that mumbling just meant, right? I had no idea they were still close.”

“Her tiles, her shirt, and you’d said that thing about Aasa that night, too.”

“Tiles?” Mayu rolled her eyes. “I never know if you’re too observant or too oblivious. Because you’re _partially_ right.”

I gulped, holding tighter the cup. Did I really want more confirmation? Still, how else could I talk to Ari? Not only because I’d promised Miki-san, but also Ari had gone to _my house_ first. I was the one who threw her at Aasa in the end. I’d still had a chance. Even though… no, but if she and Aasa had had anything in the past, while still in the same troupe, there was precedent. It wasn’t entirely bad to find out more.

“So… they were together?” I asked cautiously.

“Aasa and Ari were uber close for like two years, I think?” She stood up and got some apples and two knives, pushing one for me. I accepted, welcoming having something to do with my hands. “I remember at one point Aasa was even sending her these cute letters, and Ari would cook for them but I was never invited to that. They were _always_ in each other’s houses. I know I sound jealous and maybe I did feel excluded then, but I also knew Aasa was in love, it was clear as day, so I tried to cheer her on. One day, however, she found out that Ari was seeing some man, seriously seeing him. I was sure that would have been the end to their platonic relationship, but it wasn’t. As if nothing had changed, Ari was still cooking for Aasa, even giving her presents. It wasn’t all in Aasa’s head either; there was something, even Miki-san asked me about it once. The troupe basically treated the two as a couple, the two acted as one. They just weren’t.”

I wasn’t ready to hear this. Precedent? My case couldn’t be more different. Ari may have cooked for me a few times, but we definitely didn’t live in each other’s houses, exchanged love letters or were seen as a couple.

Mayu had stopped talking and laughed at me. My face probably showed all my disappointment, how naïve I was.

“One day,” she continued without commenting. A rare act of mercy. “Aasa decided to be honest with Ari, maybe she hadn’t noticed they were closer than she was to the random guy. You know… Aasa could describe this better if you asked her.”

“She’s the enemy, why the hell would I go to her?”

Mayu shook her head in disapproval. “Remember how I was right when I told you not to fool around with Ari?”

“We didn’t!”

She lifted an eyebrow. “Yeah, you were a fool by yourself.”

Ugh, I’d fallen right into that one. “Just go on.”

“This is boring… Aasa declared her feelings, or started to. Arinko didn’t even let het finish before asking her not to risk everything they had. That brat! It’s true we didn’t know then she had the fucking no-troupe-mates rule, but she did lead Aasa on. Like the brat she is. Especially because they _were_ together and just never officialized it. I call them lovers without benefits.” Her face was so red out of anger I wouldn’t have wanted to be Ari back then when this lividness was fresher.

“So… Ari wasn’t into Aasa?”

“If that’ll help you sleep.”

I looked down to my hands. While peeling the apple, I had scraped my finger. The blood had even stopped, without my noticing anything.

“Aasa demanded an answer,” Mayu continued. “So Ari confessed she did have feelings but would never act on it. She’d been heartbroken about a girl she dated in Music School, shit happened and the girl ended dropping out. Honestly, I’m sure that after we went through hell to get in, not even that bastard would be reason for anyone to quit. Actually, I made it clear to her that when Aasa told me what had happened, but Ari wouldn’t listen. In fact, she was still sleeping with that dude, even after telling Aasa her feelings weren’t unrequited. That fucking brat!”

I felt dizzy after poking at my small cut and seeing it bleed again.

“You need to sleep, Reiko. Eat the apple and take my bed. I’ll go out for a run and then grocery shopping, you can have the house.”

“I need to talk to Ari…” I was crying again.

“After everything I told you, the most bizarre was that two weeks later, when I had to listen to Aasa moaning day and night to me, they were back to that disgusting flirting. In fact, that only stopped when Aasa met that girl from Ikeda she dated until last year. Even I feel tired from remembering all this.” She finished her coffee and left me alone in the kitchen. I heard sounds from the bathroom but maybe a minute, maybe an hour later she was out of the house.

While I was still looking at my cut. I just couldn’t believe that I hadn’t felt it at all. That even poking at it, it didn’t hurt. It just bled. It was like that finger wasn’t even mine.

I took my phone and opened my conversation with Ari; all my messages from yesterday were still unread. “ **I need to see you** ,” I typed but didn’t erase as I’d planned. I just sent it.

Being figuratively suicidal wasn’t the right stage of mind, but to hell with it. To hell with it all, I just _really_ needed to see her.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

This was consuming me. I looked nuts, I _felt_ nuts. I’d even tried to sleep a little after I sent the message to Ari, but of course I couldn’t. Ultimately, I went for one more cup of coffee and lots of cold water on my face. It was still too early for me to even assume Ari had read the message notification and continued to ignore me. She was probably asleep. That was actually the better alternative, all others being highly rated.

“ **I miss you.** ” I sent the second message, and it only made me want to send more. To say everything I hadn’t even known I’d been feeling yesterday.

“ **Me too.** ” My eyes couldn’t believe when suddenly everything I’d sent had the READ mark and that reply popped up.

“ **Let’s talk, please?** ” I sent when shaking fingers.

The three dots blinked many times over until a new reply came, “ **What time should I go?** ”

No way could I just go home and sit put waiting for her. My heart beat so fast I couldn't breathe or think. “ **Stay there, I’m coming.** ”

So I just ran before any of us changed our minds. I had to see her, I had to. Because maybe Mayu was wrong. Maybe Aasa had gotten something out of that “bizarre” situation, as she’d called it. She’d gotten to have Ari for more than two years. I’d take that for now. It would be painful to control myself when I found out she had a boyfriend or a girlfriend, but look at me now—I hadn’t slept for twenty-four hours and was running around town to knock on the door belonging to the lover of the one I loved. I’d deal with the problems that came. I just _had to_ _see Ari_.

No, it didn’t make sense. I stopped in the middle of the run. First, I had to take a cab because it was far and I was sleep-deprived. Then, what was I thinking? It’s okay to lead me on, go ahead?

_YES_!, answered a voice in my head that just wanted it all solved.

“Miss, are you feeling well?” The taxi driver asked when I entered. On the bright side, I still looked like a “miss”…

“Yes, don’t worry.” Then I taught him Aasa’s address, feeling acid rising to my mouth. “Please, go fast.”

_This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy…_

I should have taken more time to think. Preferably without alcohol. Or coffee. My hands were trembling and so were my legs. The poor guy probably thought I was high or at the very least coming home from a very good party. I read our exchange on my phone again because it wasn’t like anything else could distract me.

“ **I’m almost there** ,” I wrote her, picturing having to talk to Aasa after everything I’d imagined since last night. My message was read but no three dots appeared. I swallowed, knowing I was really just a minute away.

Reaching the front of Aasa’s building, I paid the driver and left the car. My hands balled up in a fist, because they were just useless now. Also very sweaty.

I went through the script I’d prepared for myself during the ride. “Could I talk to Ari?” I’d ask Aasa after the most normal greeting I could muster. “It’ll be quick, don’t worry,” I’d lie. Or not. I had no idea how said talk would go. I should have prepared a script for it as well.

“Reiko-san…”

I’d just reached the building’s door when I heard someone call for me from the outside. I turned and found Ari there. I’d failed to notice her and we’d almost missed each other.

“Oh…” My mouth froze. She was just so pretty, so lovely. Had I any energy left, I could probably cry. And I would probably have stopped myself from what I did next. I was just too exhausted. So my body reacted on its own and jumped to hug her tied. “You’re here…” I whispered so husky I didn’t recognize my own voice. “You’re really here.” She felt small but so warm, so right.

To my bewilderment, her arms returned the hug involving and pushing me even closer, though very shyly. This fed the urge in me to look at her face, to gaze her in the eyes, so I pushed her just far enough. “It feels like years…” I said, but noticed she had tears in her eyes. “Ari…”

“You’re… not angry anymore?”

“Angry?” I tried the word. “No, I was never…” Had I been? It didn’t matter either way. “I’m just so confused, Ari…”

“Why? What really happened with Miki-san?”

I chuckled. That was so literally yesterday. So I hugged her again because as we’d talked, she had drifted too far apart.

“Reiko-san?”

“I’m so sorry, Ari. I have no idea what we’re going to do.” I saw her nod in expectation. “I’m in love with you, that’s my problem.”

A gasp jumped out of her mouth and her eyes widened as if they could become missiles. Her head moved rapidly from side to side and she attempted to speak, “I…” but never finished. She just threw herself at me, her lips shocking against mine.

Was I dreaming? Her hands caressed my face, her thumbs made circles on my cheeks, her fingers messing my hair. It just felt so good I could only be dreaming. I didn’t give a care if it was morning and someone was prone to pass by that street. It wasn’t a main one but it had been large enough for the taxi to enter. Still, Ari was in my arms, her tongue inside my mouth for real this time. We were both wearing coats so I could only feel her body weight and tiny impression of warmth. Her sweet smell…

Her smell.

I took a couple of steps back, interrupting our kiss session. That smell wasn’t Ari’s. And everything rushed back to me so quickly I had to cover my mouth with my hands and turn away from her. She’d probably gotten ready as fast as she could and left Aasa’s apartment so I wouldn’t have to go all the way up. But she’d forgotten to button up her coat, and I could still see the 95ki old shirt we’d been wearing during the video call last night. Not that it mattered, because that smell was definitely not hers. It was the smell of the person she’d spent the whole night having sex with.

“I thought I could do this…” I pressed my hands against my mouth, but this time it was so they wouldn’t shake as I said goodbye. “I’m sorry. I can’t. I’m so sorry, Ari… I really thought I could.”

_To be continued…_

Anita


	8. Chapter 8

I had a hard time to breathe properly as Miki-san allowed me inside her apartment. I’d actually been there before and spent a good part of the afternoon, but had left not even half an hour before. I’d been passing time in the café nearby until she sent me the message it was okay for me to return.

With the spring, numerous changes came and the humidity in the Kansai area was unbearable this year. Maybe I should have gone home and changed, because my face was already sweaty inside the mask. If this were the beginning of May, I’d die during the rainy season.

“I’m so happy that you’re here, Usshii!” Miki-san’s smile was so wide I blushed. We’d practically just seen each other; I wasn’t to believe the farce. Still, having her smile at me made me want to seek somewhere to hide and giggle like a school girl. She just had this thing that…

“Thank you for inviting me.”

“Don’t be so polite, it’s not like you.” She winked and let me inside. Just as I was walking by her, she put a hand in the way. It made me stop with her hand on my belly, then she gave a light peck on my cheek. “This is more like it, no?”

My eyes went to the floor and I could only nod as I recoiled to myself. Miki-san noticed this and held me by the arm, pulling me against her.

“Look who’s already here!” she said to me as if the text announcing that very person had arrived weren’t what all my wait in the café had been for.

I bowed to Rurika-san, unable to make eye contact after that scene just now. She wasn’t the only one here, though we’d originally planned to meet just the three of us. However, Mayu, Shimon-san, kumichou and Ari were also present. Everyone had agreed to gather somewhere on the way and come together, arriving soon after I’d left the apartment.

As I got closer to the group, I knew from their faces they’d watched that display front row. For some reason, as much I tried to avoid their curious gazes I couldn’t help but check how Ari was reacting to all of this. How masochistic of me.

“Reiko-chan!” Rurika-san joined her hands; her eyes shone, looking bigger than I remembered. “So good to see how much you and Miki-chan progressed after less than half a year.”

“You think so, Rurika-san?” Miki-san let out a smug chuckle.

“Definitely.”

“Hey, Usshii, can you help me get the tea?”

I nodded at Miki-san and followed her.

I almost gasped when I felt her hands on my back, supposedly to lead or rush me, but in reality, she kept doing circular movements, very slowly at times, very lightly at others. I was about to sigh in relief when we were alone in the kitchen, but Miki-san winked again at me and I let out again a ridiculous giggle.

“You’re overdoing it… Please,” I begged in a whisper while getting the water to heat.

“There’s still enough hot water here.” She poured some from the electric kettle into a cup. “I just thought of getting a moment alone, Arinko was looking seriously scary.”

“I’m not sure I can really look her in the face yet,” I confessed. Despite having failed to avoid it just now, I really shouldn’t try again.

“I don’t advise you to, trust me.”

I laughed knowingly.

“Now you seem more relaxed, ready to go?” She offered me her hand in some exaggerated pose, so I shook my head disapprovingly. But I was still laughing even as rejoined the group.

Miki-san, not as surreptitiously as supposed to, held my hand and took me to my seat. We were so close I was on my limit—it was almost unbearable to hold back a third giggle in the last five minutes.

By accident, I ended up catching Ari's glare toward us, and Miki-san had been right.

All of this must be hard for her, but she had to know so was it for me. We’d been already through a lot, which brought us here, to this moment. Ironically, in front of Rurika-san. But we were very different people from those two playing at a party without knowing anything. We really had had no idea whatsoever how it would bring us to this moment, to this (this time private) party.

Somehow, I was back to that day when I went to meet her in front of Aasa’s apartment. The day we had exchanged our first real kiss. The day my world had seemed to end. And yet I’d survived, and now I could just giggle, as much as I hated that stupid sound coming out of me. I was about to resent Miki-san for provoking this all, but remembered that it wasn’t easy for her either.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

_More than a month before_

Her taste lingered in my mouth, I could even trace her figure in the air so vivid the memory of her body in my arms, most of me hadn’t still updated that Ari was out of limits again.

I’d done something horrible. 

I forced myself to look back at her through my blurred vision. But I had to, she deserved it after what I had just done. It was just that I had thought I could work it out. We’d be whatever she and Aasa had been back when they’d been both members of the Moon Troupe. Then that woman’s smell coming from my Ari made the world go black.

If I’d reacted that badly to something I’d already known, imagine when she found an actual boyfriend, like she had back then?

“I can’t… I can’t do it…” I was pinching myself not to shake. If I showed resolution, Ari wouldn’t argue. She’d probably be very angry I’d started all this just to back out, in her right, but I’d leave no room for argumentations. Which I could never win, because using logic was not conceivable in my state.

“Reiko-san…” When Ari said that, which was exactly what I predicted she would say exactly, but with the same dismay she’d been displaying since my freak out started the day before, she simply laughed. She was literally laughing aloud, too loudly for this time in the morning.

“What are you…?” I was the one in dismay now.

“You think I _slept_ with Aasa-san, _don’t you_?” She laughed even longer now. Also louder.

I didn’t even know why, but my cheeks were burning from embarrassment. “I do,” I confirmed with caution.

“Well, I didn’t.”

Would she ever stop laughing? Exasperation started boiling in my stomach.

She dried tears, actual tears of laughter. “We didn’t sleep together, we never did.” Then she opened her coat to show the damned shirt of doom. “I borrowed it when I came yesterday because I know it’s one of your favorite things.”

_Used to be_ , but my mouth was frozen.

“If there’s one person I can say I’ve never touched, that is Aasa-san. So now we can resume this?” She came closer, lips ready to find mine. She wasn’t supposed to seem so accustomed to kissing me after just once but it looked like she’d been doing this all her life.

“You should be mad I was this jealous, then?”

“It _is_ cute. I’d never pegged you for the jealous type.”

“It is hideous. The reason we won’t work—I could hurt you when you get a boyfriend.”

A bemused look crossed her face. “I think you’d have all the right to be upset if I were two-timing you. I mean… I’d kill him, if _you_ got a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. In fact, whatever gender, I’d kill the person.”

“But…”

“Wait. You were planning to misguide me and use me just for fun, then? After you said you love me?”

“No! I… You and Aasa, and platonic, and…” I had no idea how to summarize or even verbalize my train of thoughts coming here. Still, Ari looked like she could stand there all day just to watch me try.

“Will you seriously date me, Reiko-san? Exclusively, since it seems like it’s needed saying.”

“Yo…ererf…” the words got caught in my throat, because this was all too easy after all those hours freaking out. But I nodded as hard as I could and tried again. “Yes!”

“So I’m kissing you now.” She rehearsed repeating our kiss from earlier, pretending she’d jump on me, but instead, she stretched her arm and put her hand on the back of my neck, pulling me toward her. Finally, we kissed.

But not for as long as I’d wanted.

“Where the hell you two think you are?” We looked to find Aasa standing there with some paper in one hand and her cell phone in the other.

I attempted to jump away from Ari, but she hugged my arm very much like she had done back in that party and turned us two toward Aasa. “We’re together, Aasa! It worked out!”

I swallowed my complaint on that lack of any honorific and just confirmed shyly.

“Yes, quite obvious looking from here.” She wasn’t happy at all, either. She raised the hand with the phone and continued, “I’ll inform Mayupon Reiko is now accounted for and unharmed, she just called me freaking out that she didn’t find you on her bed?”

Was she misleading Ari on purpose? Because Ari’s grasp on my arm loosened a little and it did seem like she’d taken the bait.

“She wasn’t even home,” I told Ari. “She knew I’d been awake all night so she told me to sleep while she was out exercising.” Then turned to Aasa: “Do tell Mayu that, thank you.” I took a mental note that our problems hadn’t ended with that exclusive declaration. As I felt Ari hug again my arm, though, I knew the hassle was worth it. In fact, I couldn’t able to dealing with lovers’ quarrels with that girl, because you did need to be lovers for that.

“Also this note…” Aasa now lifted the paper she’d brought with her. It seemed Ari had written it before coming down to meet me as it read in her handwriting, “ **Reiko-san is here, help!** ”

“Ah.” Ari didn’t try to explain. “Seems we’re fine now, sorry for the drama.”

“Including waking me up at midnight to say Reiko hates you? Also you.” She pointed at me. “You’ll stop messaging me whenever you need to talk to Arinko from now on.”

Ari smiled upon hearing that, to my further mortification.

“Yes… Sorry. I really didn’t know.”

“Didn’t know _what_?” Aasa asked with a quizzical look.

No, this ended now because I had a lot to talk with Ari. “That I was bothering,” I lied. It was best if Aasa wasn’t updated with everything. This story we’d begun today belonged only to the two of us.

“One would have to be really stupid not to know, Reiko.” She rolled her eyes, but turned back to the entrance of her building. “I’ll try to sleep a little more, so get your stuff now and disappear. Just stop making out on the street, we’re in the middle of a quarantine, dammit!”

“Sorry,” the two of us said together. Then looked at one another and smiled.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

_More than a month later_

The small party in Miki-san’s house hadn’t gone exactly as we had planned. Or Ari had planned, actually.

Her plan to cause jealousy in Rurika-san had sounded too silly and I thought I had dissuaded her when she’d told me about it, but she’d only gone straight to Miki-san with the “most fabulous idea”.

“I knew it wouldn’t work with you, I bet Rurika-san saw right through it,” Ari was saying as she separated all the cans from the flammable trash after everyone had already left.

I’d just collected the dishes and was about to take them to the kitchen when I felt her finger on my forehead.

“But _you_ enjoyed this a lot.”

I couldn’t lie. “I’m sorry, but Miki-san was acting really well! Every time she had a new trick to surprise me, it was impossible not to react.”

“Yes, she’s a superb actress.” I would have agreed if it weren’t for her sarcasm. Ari sighed. “If it had been me, I guarantee you Miki-san would be getting some now and not out on a walk, crying alone.”

“She’s not _crying_. She told me herself she was over Rurika-san more than a month ago.”

Ari’s eyes burned, so I gulped. I regretted again trying to appease her by mentioning my talk with Miki-san in that park. I should just stop talking and go wash the dishes. After this failed attempt sponsored my beloved, I wanted the house to be clean and super cozy for when Miki-san came back.

“And I was worried about being too jealous.” I stretched over the dishes in my hands and kissed her lightly on the lips. “Been yearning to do this since we came this morning to set it all up, and I hated to leave you here to go alone to that café.”

Ari was lightly flushed, so she turned her head back to the bags and sent me away with a hand gesture.

“Do you think…” I started saying through the loudness of the water from the tap. I turned it off and tried again, “Do you think they could still get together?”

“You just said Miki-san was over, right?” Ari came to the kitchen and put away the bags where we’d been asked to.

“But she also ignored me when I said it was a bad idea and did all this.”

I felt her come from behind me and put an arm through each side of my body and then turn on the water to wash her hands. Her touching mine made me itchy and I suddenly couldn’t wait to take her home. And she knew this, because she just suddenly pulled away whistling some happy tune and went back to the living room.

“You could help me finish this sooner,” I complained.

“I’m going to wait outside though.” And I heard the door open and close quickly. I knew that meant she’d teased herself as much as me, to the point she needed distance to cool down. This hadn’t been the first time. I smiled, half worried about when rehearsals resumed—what would we do with our hands?

In other words, happy days.

“Oh wow!” I heard the door open and close again, Ari was back and running to the kitchen. “Oh wow, wow!”

I looked inquiringly at her and raised my eyebrows when she just smiled without a word of explanation.

“Despite how much of a fluke you were,” she began, “it actually worked!”

“You know, I don’t think Miki-san and I were a fluke if even my girlfriend seemed about to attack us.”

“If that’s what’ll make you sleep at night…” She showed me the tongue. “And who cares, it _worked_!”

“Miki-san sent you anything?” I couldn’t remember where my phone was, and that made me feel guilty because if Miki-san had contacted Ari, she’d probably tried me first and I hadn’t been there for her. It had luckily been good news judging from Ari’s face, but I still felt bad.

Ari guffawed loudly. “Her hands and mouth were _too busy_ for phones!”

Despite knowing I shouldn’t spy, I just ran outside. And almost to the wrong direction until Ari pulled me by the hand toward a corner I’d never noticed before.

It was hard to know who the two figures kissing were, but their clothes were recognizable enough.

“See?” Ari whispered in my ears, holding my hand tighter. “You know… They have to still like each other if Rurika-san was that blind about today’s amateur theater.”

I guided her away not to disturb them. “I have no idea what you’re trying to prove insisting on that, but I don’t really care.” I let go of her hand and put my arm on hers instead. “Let’s just go home and take care of our business?”

She kissed my neck after verifying no one was around and displayed a smile before nodding. “I love taking care of your business.”

“Great, because it can be very complicated.” I pulled her against me by the arm. “And I couldn’t stop thinking about you all day.”

“I love that you’re now telling me things.”

“You do know it was you who kept a lot from me.”

“You never asked why I changed my mind, though. Were you afraid I never noticed we’re in the same troupe?”

I thought for a moment. For a while I had indeed been frightened to find out, but now I was simply thankful for what I had. “So what _did_ make you change and say, ‘Okay, now I’m doing troupe mates too, dude!’?”

“I didn’t.”

I caught my breath because that really wasn’t what I had expected. “You just said you did,” I retorted, speaking one word over the other.

She giggled and stopped walking to stare back at me. “Maybe I’m teasing you with a word play. But if we were to break up, I still wouldn’t _do troupe mates, dude_. You’re simply too important to me to be included there.”

“It wasn’t the same with Aaaa?”

“It could have become, if we both hadn’t moved on.”

Then she cupped my face in her hands. I even closed my eyes, ready for one of her faux-stolen kisses I’d grown used to. However, she stopped a hair away from my lips. “But I love you, Reiko. And you did tell me you felt the same.”

And I did love her. So much I couldn’t even respond even when we’d been exchanging love declarations for more than a month. So I let myself be attacked by her quick kiss, only to kiss her back and make us even.

_From Tsukishiro Kanato’s LINE Messenger_

**Aasa: Tell Arinko to stop trying to set me up  
** **Aasa: She even asked Chinatsu-san  
Aasa: She decided Shou-san and I are soulmates now  
**

**Mayu: Still not into Arinko’s idea  
** **Mayu: But it was worth leaving the quarantine to see her face  
Mayu: I’m sending the best candid shots**

**Miki: Ruri and I just talked  
Miki: She knew we were trying something  
Miki: But she had no idea it was to make her jealous  
Miki: And said that Arinko seemed about to die  
Miki: So I confessed the plan  
** **Miki: We’ll try again  
Miki: Let Arinko know so I can sleep at night  
Miki: I’m afraid her stare will give me nightmares  
** **Miki: I’ll assume you two are fine**

**Aasa: Oh no  
** **Aasa: Mayu just told me the plan for Miki-san worked  
** **Aasa: I’m glad for everyone but she’ll be unbearable now  
** **Aasa: And I’m the one who enabled her???  
**

**Me: Kocchan! Can you get me the contact for Karin-chan? I really needed to speak to her  
Kocchan: Of course, she’ll be super excited!  
** _Add new contact Kiwami Shin?  
_ _Are you sure you want to erase this conversation?_

**Aasa: Why is Kiwami Shin inviting me on a date  
** **Aasa: She said you asked?  
** **Aasa: REIKO!  
** **Aasa: STOP ENABLING ARI!  
** **Me: Oh no, I’m so sorry! I swear I was just taking a bath, it was a long day  
** **Aasa: Don’t just say Oh no  
** **Aasa: Stop that girl! Guard your phone better!  
** **Me: She just explained it and I like the idea  
** **Aasa: I’m not after Ari anymore, I swear  
** **Aasa: Just stop this crazy show!  
** **Aasa: Oh no she got the contact from your phone  
** **Aasa: She’s messaging Kiwami-chan now  
** **Aasa: Stop it!  
** **Me: Hey, you’re both from Kanagawa!**

The end!

Anita

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes:
> 
> This fanfic started as one I really want to write about these two because they can only love each other, but how could there be any conflict? Look, they’re IN LOVE!
> 
> Then I had this old Daimon/Mayu fic on my head because I loved writing it and thought I’d imitate the style of having the social networks included in the story, kind of like those talks in the end. So I noticed how much my headcanon for Reiko/Ari was similar to how I had portrayed the other two then. Little by little the conflict was so much this own author felt conflicted.
> 
> I’m not sure I’ll be able to come up with some other fic different enough for these two but I’d love to. They’re so lovely!
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed your time here.
> 
> Please, don’t forget to comment.
> 
> See you next time!


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